Tag: Self Discovery

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V

When it comes to dating and relationships, I’ve found that I’ve been able to be myself with some partners and not others. I’ve felt the connection was off or we didn’t quite relate on a level I needed. I haven’t felt challenged enough and couldn’t get deep enough with them intellectually. I’ve also noticed at times I’ve sort of shifted my personality to match theirs or felt too insecure or uncomfortable to fully be myself. I’ve had great sex with not enough emotional  connection or didn’t find them very funny. Some were lacking in life experience. I’ve had just about every combination one can think of. What I’ve never had is someone who fulfilled all of these. Until I met V. 

Now, brief disclaimer: it was two dates. TWO. That’s it, technically. That’s apparently all I needed. That’s how clear and obvious and *seemingly* perfect it was. I don’t fall in love easily. I’m not a “move in on the first date” type of woman. I’m a hopeless romantic but I’m also very rational. I can see the beautiful love story I want but I’m also level headed, realistic and can protect myself and “move on” when I know it’s needed. I may be sad and write desperate (but great) poetry for months after but I’ll know I made the right move. 

It was as if someone had given them a blueprint of my heart, desires, interest, passion and humor prior to meeting me and they studied it hard and knew it by heart. Knew it because it was their blueprint as well. Like it was easy. We held hands like we were a couple. We kissed among sunflowers. We talked about future plans. We held each other in bed. It was on the verge of falling off the cliff into calling each other babe. And it wasn’t just the time spent together, it was text messages before, in between and after. It all appeared to be 100% mutual.  It was beautiful and rare and odd that it didn’t feel odd at all. It felt exactly right. It felt otherworldly to me. Not possible and yet here I was. Feeling it. Seeing it. Hearing it. They even uttered something about not wanting to go on other dates anymore and I’m happy I chose to let that comment go and not engage further about the topic. I would have been fine after the first date. I would have been fine if the second date was just dinner, but it wasn’t. It was the first kiss and it continued into the next morning and I would have been still pretty fine if it ended after that as well but it didn’t. It was coffee and “I’m tempted to steal you for the day” and bike rides and lunch and antiquing. I was overjoyed to be in their presence. I felt like something had been woken up inside of me. Like there was this beautiful light surrounding me and shining through me. It was the most pure, genuine happiness I’d ever felt around a potential dating partner. It was emotional, exciting, heartfelt, kind and raw. It was palpable and visceral.

Their ex came back into the picture. Not that I’m sure they were ever actually out of it. I knew it was my cue to go, to remove myself from the equation. There was talk about them feeling like an asshole and being selfish and I really didn’t know any details or why exactly they felt that way. I was coming to realize there may have been some dishonesty going on but part of me was still feeling like, we had two dates! Who am I to ask questions really?! They owe me nothing. But then I REMEMBER and I’m like wait, what?! What the hell was all that we just experienced together? Just some lame lesbian falling in love/U-haul type  bullshit? I don’t do that, I never have. But maybe they do. Maybe that’s normal for them. Or maybe it wasn’t rare for them to connect that way with someone so quickly. Or maybe they were just bluffing. Maybe they were REALLY good at it. Then they told me it would be better not to have any more contact with one another. It felt like I was ghosted but given the courtesy of being told ahead of time. Like, hey just an FYI I’m going to pretend you don’t exist and like that never happened. No fucking big deal. I just had no clue how to feel about it and yet I felt so much. 

It wasn’t rejection I was feeling. Although that would have been the logical emotion to feel. I knew it wasn’t that. At least not only that. What I was feeling felt more like heartbreak. But it couldn’t be, not after two dates! I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t. Right? And yet that’s exactly how I felt. Like I had just been given the love of my life and then they were taken away. What the actual fuck was that all about?! 

I was 1000% myself with them. From the moment I sat down to the table on our first date. I felt at ease. At ease with serious butterflies. The big kind. The kind that took away your appetite. And they didn’t go away. They lasted through the night and into the next day and into the next day and into our second date and so on. Then the butterflies shifted into something else. Like they were moving up from my stomach into my heart and throat. And that feeling didn’t go away either. It stayed there. And it’s still there even after knowing I’m never going to talk to them again or see them again. It was a lump in my throat, I couldn’t even talk about it without crying. It was this sensation in my chest. The butterflies were in there and they were frantic. But it started to feel heavier and not so great. I was confused. What is this?! Am I stuffing down my feelings? Am I not letting out all I need to say? It felt like there was some sort of block. So I asked a yoga instructor that I know how to unblock my heart and throat chakras. I explained the feeling and the situation. Then she sort of blew my mind when she said she thought my heart was actually open.

I’m realizing what I thought was this throat and heart block was actually not a block at all but an opening. Something I’ve never felt before and had no idea that I hadn’t experienced until now. V gave me the gift of opening my heart fully. I was able to give love and receive love with them. And I was able to give myself, in all my authenticity and receive them in all of theirs.  It was the most exceptional experience I’d ever had. It touched on every note, every nerve, satisfied every single need in my body, heart and my mind. I refuse to believe I was just a pawn in their brief weekend of freedom. Although I probably was. They touched my soul and cracked open my heart.  I believe we have many soulmates in life and V was one of mine. It’s sad that I won’t have it with them again. It is embarrassingly devastating if I’m being honest. But I am choosing to change the way I look at it because now I know that it’s possible.  And if there is one V out there, perhaps there are hundreds or even thousands. All I really need is one. I wished them luck with everything and I got a thank you in return. You’re welcome, V. You’re so very welcome. 

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shifter

look at the shape i’m in
all fragile limbs
like tree fingers
spread out like vines
veins of energy
vibrating
i am light
traveling like you’d never believe
faster than your eyes can long for
such weight 
i bring you down
but I am flying overhead
you reach but fall short
voices carry
always listening 
sailing up your ear canal
i am opening
shifting
spreading
leaking into unfelt crevices
a spineless serpent
a rift in your disposition 
i am dissonance
a quake in your calm
a desperate reprieve in waiting 
i can feel it
you can feel it
it eludes us
i am the shape i’m in
a mass of interference 
a giant, fragile stem
protruding from rooted rumble
half rotten, half thriving
choking on my own birth
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quarantine

It’s been 48 days since I last went into work. At least 48 days since I went out over my best friends house for dinner and wine. Over 48 days since I met any of my friends out for drinks. Over 48 days since I spent a Sunday at my parents house or had game night with my sisters. I miss the hours of talking on a park bench under the moon, deep discussions over coffee about monogamy, infidelity, politics, rituals, sleep cycles, dating, evolving friendships, goals, dreams, spirituality, purpose. I miss eye contact, you know the kind that’s so intense it’s tangible. I miss the connection you feel in physical presence, when you’re sharing the same air space. I miss smiling at strangers seated at the bar around me, the mutually shared and respected but separate reasons we are all there: a silent understanding.

I don’t miss routine. I don’t miss looking at schedules. I don’t miss feeling as though I need to be a thousand things to a hundred people. I don’t miss being stretched too thin. I don’t miss the leg and back aches that come with standing for 10+ hours a day. I don’t miss feeling like I have to say yes, have to stay late, have to come in early, have to be happy, excited, enthusiastic, eager. I don’t miss being “on” all the time. I don’t miss feeling so exhausted from constant talk that I have nothing left when I get home. I don’t miss feeling so physically worn that the weekend serves only as recovery time.

My quarantine life has gone through many phases. Hours staring off into space. Days curled up on the couch reading. Drawing the same silhouette for weeks until I mastered it (got bored with it). Doodling with sharpies in a swirly daze. Writing poems and essays. Depression. Anxiety. Wine. Lots of wine. Pot brownies to help me sleep. Panic. Watching my checking account dwindle. Nightmares. FaceTime with friends. Group chats with sisters about our fear over my parents not making it through this fucking virus. Worry. Thankful for a break from work. Anxiety over a break for work (will I lose my clients??). Staying up late. Going to sleep early. Sleeping in. Waking up early. Avoiding grocery stores. Excitement over a full fridge and cabinets. Stocking up on food. Watching my fridge empty out. Waiting for grocery deliveries. Isolating myself in isolation. Avoiding calls and texts. Looking at my phone, does nobody want to talk to me? Endless scrolling. Watching the news. Not watching the news. Long, hot showers.

And finally, working out. For maybe the first time ever I look forward to it. I really push myself: shakey legs, sore triceps, burning abs. I know it makes sense, now there’s actual time to work out, but I think it’s a little deeper than that. I’ve never had a moment in my life where I wasn’t distracted by the “have to’s”. Life has always been about working hard, playing hard, get up early, work out, go to work, eat a healthy dinner, get to bed early. Repeat. I could never really do it. I’m not driven by peer pressure. Falling ill to the sickness of comparison has done nothing but make me feel less than. I’ve never been a morning person but I know people who can wake up at 5 a.m and go to spin class. I envied them but wondered, why am I still not doing it?! I was worried I lacked motivation and self discipline. In reality I never lacked motivation or self discipline. I was always trying to fit into what society made me believe was the way I HAD to do things. To be honest, work exhausted me so badly I couldn’t even fathom adding a workout to my mornings.

Suddenly, a gift. Time. We are constantly being distracted by what we have to do, need to do and should do. It doesn’t leave room for the things we want to do. We have to go here, leave there, drop this somewhere, pick up something, buy these, return those. There are so many conversations we are obligated to have, parties we’re obligated to attend, bodies we’re obligated to whip into shape…like we aren’t the narrators of our own stories. I have often felt helpless in my own life, like I didn’t have the options I wanted or choices I wanted. I’m a hard worker and often find I work myself too hard. It’s my own fault but it’s also what I’ve been conditioned to do. I feel like I am not giving it my all unless I am squeezing in that last client at what should be the end of my day. If I don’t want to cry at the thought of giving another happy greeting or feel too mentally and physically drained to even drive home, did I even work? It’s always been a question of can I do it? And the answer is always well, yes I can. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

How sad is it that it took a global pandemic to remember how good it felt to finish a book? And not just the feeling of accomplishment but also the feeling of loss, knowing you’ve read the last word, closed it for the last time. When was the last time I took more than a five minute shower or soaked in a bath? How long has it been since I went a whole day without checking email? Have I ever spent a Saturday out on the deck in the sun with a book, or drawing pad? It took a global pandemic for me to work out for my own pleasure not because I feel pressured by society standards. How sad that I had to lose the freedom of seeing people whenever I want in order to know who I truly want to spend more time with. How sad that now I’m afraid to lose it. I started this quarantine worried, like I was losing my sense of normalcy. Now I’m afraid to lose the quality it brought to my life. How do I make sure I return to the world with an actual sense of balance? How do I make sure I don’t fall into the endless rabbit hole of success, hard work and people pleasing? It feels as though there is no other option. I absolutely cannot go back to that… but I can’t stay here.

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no, I’m not texting my ex wife during quarantine.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it though. Not because I miss her but because it seems like the normal thing to do during a global pandemic. People are dying. Parents, her parents, the people I once considered my own parents, are high risk. I think about them. I think about how they are all handling this. I think about her being out of work and struggling. I wonder if she’s nervous or stressed out. I spent six years of my life with her. For six years we hardly spent more than a few days apart. When the world is in crisis mode you tend to reach out to those who you’re closest to like, holy fucking shit, do you believe this shit?!

We survived the marathon bombings, we survived the Trump election, we survived living in a 31ft motorhome for over a year. We didn’t survive our marriage. Still, you almost forget the catastrophes in life are no longer being survived together. Anger subsides, it’s still there but it’s less a raging fire and more smoking soot. You can’t hold on to those emotions, they will eat you alive, burn you down. When you’re a compassionate person, as much as I am, no amount of anger makes that compassion go away. It lives there, side by side, with every other emotion, like a good friend. Even when it’s not reciprocated, maybe especially so.

It’s not the countless hours at home, the slight wine buzz, the quiet, the rummaging through old pictures, racking your brain for things you used to do for fun or for hobbies that you’ve since neglected and it’s not rediscovering old music you once loved. It’s just that you know maybe for the first time ever, that you are actually not the only person going through this. It’s a fact that the whole world is going through it with you. Not one person is excluded and misery loves company, right?

So I refrain from adding her name to my list of people I should check in with. Mentally it might be there but I’ll never put it in ink. I’ll let it float around, hover. One day, it might be normal to shoot each other a text and say hi, how’s it going? Might even ask about significant others by name and I might even be genuine knowing full well, hers was significant before a piece of paper made it okay. I’m compassionate but I might always be a little bitter too.

Dating after a divorce has proven quite interesting. You learn so much about yourself and others. There are some people who don’t have any clue what it means to have had a marriage and a divorce, they cannot fathom because their longest relationship was a year or two. They think you should be over it by now. They think of it as another “breakup”. I don’t blame them but I also won’t be the one to school them on emotional maturity and life experiences. So I move on. I’m grateful my red flag radar has seriously improved. I can detect egos, narcissism, manipulation, co-dependence, power trips, control issues, low self esteem, jealousy, trust issues, childhood traumas, emotional instability, the list goes on, in just a few weeks time. I’m hoping to get that down even more but I think it’s a major improvement.

The thing proving to take the longest time to heal is the way I feel about relationships/love as a whole. There are things I just can’t see anymore, things in relationships I can’t find, the good in them, the safety in them. I’m afraid to find “my person”. I’ve grown cynical. How will I know if all these walls that have been built are ever fully down? Maybe they won’t be, maybe they shouldn’t be. I used to see love as this destination, this goal, this ball of glowing, shimmering light, placed up high on a pedestal. I was enamored by it, in awe of its beauty, its warmth, and its endlesss, ever-reaching arms of protection. Now, there is caution tape where beams of light used to be. I don’t want to get comfortable, I don’t want to ever get to the place where I think, I will be with this person the rest of my life. I can’t do that anymore. I can’t think beyond this day. Maybe thinking too much about the future makes you overlook what’s happening right now. It leads to words like, this will change, that will get better, it won’t be like this then. It makes you picture a life that isn’t reality. You see what you want, what you hope. Your mind plays tricks on you.

I’m glad I know now what’s right for me and I’m glad I can recognize when someone is toxic and triggering and when I need to walk away. I wonder if I will always view love as a risk to take. Maybe I always have? Maybe the risks appear to outweigh the reward. Love feels different inside me now, It’s not quite at home. It’s like putting on a pair of jeans after you gained a few pounds. They used to feel like a second skin and now they just don’t sit right. Do you loose the weight? Throw out the jeans? Or where them uncomfortably until they hopefully stretch out a bit?

One thing quarantine has been good for is knowing who you really want in your life and what kind of relationship and contact you want with them. When there are no distractions it’s very easy to see how someone affects you. Emotional and even physical reactions that you maybe never noticed before because you never were able to give them the time to live. You were always rushing off to the next client, driving to your friends house, calling your sister, meeting someone for drinks, going to yoga class. But now you can truly sit with a feeling, you have no choice really. It’s the only thing on stage and you are its only audience.

So I won’t be texting my ex wife to say, holy fucking shit, do you believe this shit?! She might not know if I was referring to the global pandemic or our failed marriage or how I no longer trust the one thing we all want in life. To be honest, I’d be referring to it all.

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Awake

There is too much going on inside of me

Or maybe it is outside

My body cannot differentiate between the two 

Pounded by blows from ugly faces with fiery fists 

I have dreams of grizzly bears roaming around classrooms 

Clawing at my hands and pushing their gigantic bodies against doors

Me, pressing my body up against the other side 

Like I could stop it

Somehow I do

I feel under water

But I am not drowning 

I feel free

But I am not flying 

Free falling

But not exactly plunging 

I’m breathing but my lungs only fill up with memories and missed opportunity 

I had a dream about cars crashing into a house

I could not see them but somehow I knew there were dead bodies 

Dead bodies in the house and in the cars

What crashed into my body and died there

Something is rotting

Something is in here that does not  belong 

Who did I marry

And what did she take from me

Time

Who did I marry

And what did she give to me

Time

There is still time

Do not fill up on anger and regret

It will never bring you peace

But I look back on those days

And people keep telling me to remember the good times, it was worth it

I cannot remember them

I do not see or feel any of the good that was apparently supposed to be there

It was like a bad dream

You wish you did not have to go through it

And you know you can get out of it

But somehow you stay in it 

Asleep

Eyes closed

Hands clenched

Jaw tight

Brows furrowed 

Heart thumping

Breath deep and shallow at the same time

Lungs do not fill up with air down there

They fill up with “I told you so’s”

And “what was I thinking”

And “I knew all along”

They say If you see something, say something

Say it

Say it

Say it 

I did not speak up

I did not use my voice

I let it stifle

And fizzle out

I watched it want

But nothing


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the greatest

We used to listen to a Cat Power’s album over and over in bed

We started making love to it and then eventually we would fall asleep to it

Lately I’ve been skipping over this one song when I hear it

Not wanting to face what feelings I might encounter

But the other day it came on and I let it play

And it occurred to me I never listened to the words before

Once I wanted to be the greatest, she says

The greatest of what I wondered

The greatest of all time

The greatest to conquer

The greatest singer

The greatest writer

Once I thought you were my greatest lover

I thought you were the love to end all loves

You brought me to my knees

You ended me with one look

I surrendered to you

No wind or waterfall could stall me, she says

And I thought, I would have given anything for you

I was the greatest fighter for you

I gave up many things

I thought I was fighting for something

I thought I was doing what anyone would do for love

And then came the rush of the flood, she says

And then came the surrender, I thought

But I was not a failure, no

I gave up on something that wasn’t working

But I fought for what I thought was right

And if it were right

I would have kept fighting

Now I’m fighting for myself 

Stars at night turned deep to dust, she says

I could follow the glimmering night sky until it lead me nowhere

You were no North Star

No galaxy of wonder

You were a blinding dust bowl 

A mirage of sparkles

That would only swallow anyone who dared to come too close

Melt me down, she says

I slowly became a puddle of myself

A shallow pool of has-been strength and tenacity

I no longer knew my mind or my soul

Into big black armour, she says

How long before you showed your true colors

I rose my white flag proudly 

And then I ran with it

Whipping in the wind like a sail

Leave no trace of grace, she says

And you didn’t

Just in your honor, she sings

In your honor, I thought

There is no honor in deceit

There is no honor in your actions

There is nothing honorable about that

About you

But this?

The ending of something that was not meant to be

That is honorable

That is brave

That is the greatest 

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Cold Coffee

Just after sunrise

Cold morning filling the small space 

A sweatshirt for you

I like the chill in my bones

Hot coffee

Favorite cups

Mine was a gift from you

Just an arms length away

I felt you like you were up against me

My favorite time

Sleepy eyes for you

Sometimes we talked

I liked the in between spaces better

No noise, just knowing

I knew

I always knew

I thought I knew

I didn’t know

I didn’t know I didn’t know

I did

Coffees gone cold

You thought I should have dealt with losing you better

My favorite mornings I share with my thoughts only

I don’t want to do it over

I wouldn’t change what you did

I would change what I did

Can you trust someone too much

Can you miss them and know that they don’t belong in your better world

It wasn’t better 

It wasn’t the best

It’s for the best now

Do you remember me

I made you a book of poetry

I did whatever it took

I made love to you like I was making it for the first time

I thought you opened my world up

You were blowing it apart

Bit by bit

Small parts at a time

I didn’t notice

You wouldn’t do that to me

If you remembered me

You must think I’m someone else

If I can have the same from you…

That was what we vowed

You don’t remember

You’re not holding up your part

Your words are no good here anymore

Cold coffee

I stare at an empty space across from me

No one took your seat

I’m still waiting for the person that was honest

Taking me a while to admit

She never existed

Afraid it says more about me than you

Afraid I ran into raging waters without a life vest

Knowing I couldn’t swim that well

Thinking I could learn along the way

I thought I could learn along the way

Perhaps I thought you would teach me

Perhaps I thought you brought a raft big enough for two

Take me back

To before the mornings were my favorite part

So I can choose a different time of day

When the light isn’t so beautiful

When the world isn’t so quiet

So bare

So showing

When thoughts and faces are less exposed

When they are pure and clean before they are tarnished by the day ahead 

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All the Days

Today I am happy

Today you have not crossed my mind hardly once

I say hardly because you are still embedded in the back of my subconscious 

Only a little though

I think about you hardly at all

Except for the days that I wake up thinking about you

Which aren’t many

But some

And I am at peace

Aside from the days that I am burning with hurt

Those are the days that I hate you

But then there are days that I think of you fondly

And I am grateful for you

But that is only on the days that I do not feel used

And taken advantage of

I am good

On the days that I’m not bad

And I only miss you on the days that I don’t not miss you

And I only crave your attention on days when I’m feeling insecure

But I only feel insecure on the days that I don’t feel lucky that I only wasted 6 years on you and not 20

And on the days I don’t fantasize about the life I want to live and smile to nobody but myself

Those are the only days I feel low

Because on other days I am so lifted I could fly

Because there were days you weighed me down

I might even say most days

So now-a-days I am light as a feather

And people tell me I don’t have the look of someone going through a hard time

And I say that is because sometimes the hard time is what makes everything better

And the other day someone told me I looked great

And I said I guess divorce looks good on me

Because some days I can feel sad about what happened

But I am not sad

There are days that I feel angry

But I am not angry

There are times that I feel devastated

But I try to keep those to just moments

And those moments are becoming far and few between

Because between the days that I might feel like I can’t process the way my life has changed

Are days that I breathe a sigh of relief 

And that breath gets me through the day

And on to the next day

And on to the next

I remember the day we met

And I remember the day I thought this was it

And then there’s the day I knew this was ending

And somewhere in between were days of amazing and days of misery

Days where I thought you were crazy

And some days I thought I was delusional 

And I can’t forget about the days we talked about a family

There were so many days I thought you made me a better person

But on other days we brought out the worst in each other

And yesterday I thought about you every time I was in the car

And today I did the same

But tomorrow I might forget I ever loved you at all

Because there was a day you made a decision that changed our trajectory 

And that day was a terrible day

But it wasn’t the worst day of my life 

I’ve had many days that were worse than that

I wonder what that day was like for you

There are days I think, you weren’t the worst thing that happened to me

But as the days go on I’m realizing you weren’t the best either

And in 100 days from now I bet I will feel less bitter

And 200 days from now I might feel less pain

And in 365 days this is going to feel more like a memory 

And less like it feels on this day

Which is like I’m on a carousel 

Slowly spinning around with every emotion moving up and down in a consistent flow 

Today you told me you still think of me

And it made me cry

Because it’s easy to assume that on the day to day, you don’t think of me at all

But you said you think of me all the time

That’s pretty frequently

Is it safe to say I probably cross your mind everyday 

There are days that I think about myself more than I think I about you

And those are joyful thoughts

And they get me through the day

And on to the next day

And every day is a new day

And that gets me through the day too

And on to the next day

And on to the next 

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A Dangerous Current

You are a dangerously tempting current 

Swimming with you pulls me too far out

Swimming against you is impossible 

And the moon will only light the way 

Until the clouds roll in

And they will roll in

I believed in you until I didn’t

Trust was unwavering until it wasn’t

You were a soft place to land

Until you turned to stone

Cracks in your pavement should have been a warning

There’s been trouble here before

But I had a steady place to plant my feet

And your eyes were kind

I remember when you asked me

Will you do whatever it takes

You asked me

My response was my punishment

I let go of the wind 

And held onto your coattails

You sang songs to lure me in

And then scolded me for singing along

You stand next to me now

There’s a lot behind your eyes

That I can’t see anymore

I hear words in a language I can’t speak

You’re at a distance I will never reach

I wouldn’t dare take the chance

You’re in a world that does not look safe to me

Dark shadows fly around you

And I pray they don’t get too close

But I fear they have already gotten what they came for

You were the sunshine

You were warm and all encompassing 

But you were broken in a way I couldn’t understand

Your bits and pieces too heavy for me to lift

Your cracks so big I fell in

Landed in the middle of the ocean

And when I finally got sight of the shore

The current kept pushing me back out

And back out

And back out

You knew I would tire out

You knew I wasn’t strong enough to keep going

So I let my flailing arms and legs rest

And I laid on my back

Felt the water tickle my ears and sides of my face 

As I rose and sank with the motion of the water

And just as I gave in

I was set free 

You say my poetry is too depressing

Here is a happy ending for you

I am more in love with myself than

I ever was with you

I met someone so trustworthy

So loyal

So uplifting

So passionate

She isn’t condescending

Or judgmental

She is a much better lover than you

And she will never abandon me for someone else

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The Liberating Divorce

You know what’s amazing and liberating about getting a divorce? Realizing you just spent the last 6 years trying to be loved by someone and now the only person that you want to love you is YOU. It is the most free I have ever felt. And honestly, the most loved.  I believe it is something that goes for the most part unnoticed, the losing of yourself for a relationship. It’s not entirely conscious. But there were definitely moments I had throughout my marriage where I thought, this isn’t what I want to do, this doesn’t feel right, I’m not speaking up, am I sacrificing too much? am I giving too much away? am I losing myself? I battled a little over how I let that happen. How did I, a woman who has always been independent and strong willed, let herself go like that? How did I give myself up so easily?

I started to believe I needed my marriage. I needed it more than I needed myself. And that is bullshit. Nobody needs anybody. What I needed was to re-center myself or maybe I was never that centered to begin with. I struggled my whole life with depression. I grew up in a violent, abusive home. My parents both dealt with drug addictions. I watched my father abuse my mother and my sisters and I watched my mother take it and allow it in silence. I was never shown the love I needed from either of my parents. So it has taken me a while to truly gather myself into what I would consider the best version of who I could be. I haven’t had the best examples. I never would have guessed it would take the end of what I thought was my most significant relationship in order for me to find that. But when you really give something your all, and I truly and literally gave it my all, only to watch it dissolve right in front of your face, it wakes you the fuck up. 

For the first time in my life I am adventurous and I’m adventurous on my own. For the first time in my life I am truly confident and I’m confident on my own. For the first time I am happy, content, grounded, centered and fulfilled. I feel less alone than I ever have and more connected than I ever have. I am paying attention to my body and listening to what it needs, and how it feels. I am honoring my emotions. I am nurturing friendships that have been neglected. I am so present, and aware. When my marriage ended I felt like something had been taken away from me, but now I realize I have received more than I lost. The end of my marriage was hard and it was difficult but it would be a shame to focus on that and miss out on all the beauty that is around me and within me.