the question of wether or not we loved each other
hung like the golden autumn leaves as a backdrop to the deer carcasses on the side of the highway
illuminating doom
i miss you my friend
and I wish we still lived in wonder
i drive by your old house on the way to visit my parents
you don’t live there anymore
someones car is in the driveway
the horseshoe of Ferncroft
i used to drive there in the dark and park at the bend beneath the power lines
i think I’m still that person sometimes
hiding in the night
wishing things were different
will I ever grow up
and like who I am
seems like I’m always recovering
maybe that’s when I’m at my best
every time I drive by
i think of those power lines
how far do they go
if I could travel along them
could I ever get to a better place
where i‘m not trying so hard
i’m always trying
but I think I’m doing it wrong
my efforts falling short
i’d like to be the source that travels in those wires
blank but deafening
only I never seem to get to the right places
maybe you were right
i’ll never be okay
never quite happy enough to be happy
never sad enough either
it’s just that I think I’m living someone else’s life sometimes
and I don’t know what they want from me
all these street signs that raised me
Heard and Blossom
Washington and Clarke
i wonder if the wires will take me
where I ride my bike around the same block
where summers felt as long as winter actually is
where angels watched from a kitchen window
i wonder if I walked into that pond at the end of your street
could I emerge, reborn
stripped of scar tissue and what I remember
rise up a new person
someone who isn’t afraid to choose
none of these things will make me happy
if I walked back through that front door
climbed the two staircases up to the third floor attic
and flew out the window
would I crash onto the pavement of those front steps
between the lions carved from stone
or would I rise above the telephone wires and street lamps
and never feel fear to speak again
or maybe I would be a messy little girl and that would be okay this time
e v e r y time I get what I want I feel empty
there is something missing
i might find it written in the street signs
North and Main
Livingston
Shawsheen and Whipple
when new meant better
a real house where a real family would live
ghosts were supposed to stay behind
pictures up the hallway
devil sleeping on the couch
always unsure
not quite right in this body
bones stiff
heart fluttering
small cage
chasing breath
getting taller
fears settling in their new positions
cozy insecurities
discomfort painted the walls
i don’t want to be here
again
nobody on this earth knows me
myself included
i see happier faces
always gloating, laughing
they see what I can’t
have what I never will
know the things I haven’t learned yet
figured it out
i’m listening
i’m waiting eagerly
desperately
if I take steps forward
i might just fall out of that third floor window
and land in the pond at the end of your street
and if I follow the power lines
i might just swim all the way out of here
and breathe for the first time new air
and it will fill my lungs until my chest expands into new depths
dimensions I never knew were there
and I’m smiling
i can smell it
acceptance
i remember it
peace
i hear it
laughter
i feel it
safety
i taste it
joy
i made it
i finally made it