december

I don’t know if I was ever any good at bringing you comfort

I might be the very last one on the list

But if you make it that far down…

The fight is exhausting

Feel my fingertips on the keyboard

Staying mad is a chore

Sitting on the hardwood floor of uneven boards 

Patchwork from a 100 years of wear and tear

Cold air threatening at my window

Shared melodies

A backdrop of old memories

It’s Christmas 

I do everything for me now

Catch myself wondering what you’d think of this and that

Hard habit to break

Small ways of holding on

Catch myself thinking what if

Catch myself

I catch myself

Missing the feeling of leaving with the only two things that matter

Never looking back on dreary New England

Misty April morning

The invisible season 

I miss the desert

Where everything has been sucked dry

And still thriving 

It’s like I was on a merry go round and didn’t know it

Was everyone else watching

Waiting for the dizzying whirlwind to catch up to me

It caught up to me

Not until I lost my balance

Took a good look around and saw I was right back where I started from

I don’t know if this brings you any comfort 

To know I’m still gathering my footing

I usually catch a glimpse on the highway

And I’m filled with envy and wonder

Where are they going

Do they know how far it will take them

Do they know if they are coming back

Do they have a plan

Do they think this one thing will make things better too

It’s a lot of weight on rotating wheels

Do people you loved ever really leave you

Are you lying if you say so

I don’t think they are supposed to

I don’t think that’s the way

There was adventure and we were naive

Lovesick

Maybe just love

Maybe just sick

Maybe there’s more I was meant to learn 

And I was too deep in it

What is it about tragedy that makes you want to reach 

back into the past and hold onto the ones who left

Perhaps it’s shared misery

Pain is familiar 

It might be the only thing that ties us to one another

More so than love

Stronger than love

Was I ever any good at bringing you comfort

Was I ever any good at loving you

Was I ever any good at doing what wives are supposed to do

Remind me

What are they for

running

these legs can’t run forever

you need to be happy here

too close to speak about it

the words will scorch your tongue

you live along side it

you love along side it

functioning, seemingly effortlessly

distance gives perspective

darkness grows deeper from further away 

get close and it just devours you

crouching blindly 

not afraid but you’re scaring yourself

you could keep going

drowning yourself in poison

secluding yourself in solitude

nobody knows

    nobody knows

nobody knows

you put yourself here

and the track has run out

you need to be happy here

be happy here

rather be anywhere but here

rather be anyone else

remind yourself

you’re not that little girl anymore

surrounded by mountains in a bedroom

you’re taller now

stand up

you can look over them now

look up

there’s so much more you don’t see yet

open your eyes

those piles are crumbling

burn it down

   burn it down

burn them down

this is what growing looks like

this is what pain looks like

this is what grief looks like when it burrows in your skin

this is what it means to live

this is what hope looks like when it disappears 

this is what trying looks like when you think you’re failing

this is what exhaustion looks like

this is what aging looks like

this is what insomnia looks like

this what trauma looks like when it lives in your blood 

this is what it means to put on a happy face

tell them you’re okay

tell them you’re taking it one day at a time

just don’t tell them you really shouldn’t be left alone

this is what acknowledgment looks like

this is what the bottom looks like from the top 

this is what words in disguise sound like

this is what asking for help feels like

these legs can’t run forever

can they outrun a life put on hold

can they outrun a heartbeat 

can they outrun