Tag: poetry

Posted on

february

the question of wether or not we loved each other 

hung like the golden autumn leaves as a backdrop to the deer carcasses on the side of the highway

illuminating doom

i miss you my friend

and I wish we still lived in wonder

i drive by your old house on the way to visit my parents

you don’t live there anymore

someones car is in the driveway

the horseshoe of Ferncroft

i used to drive there in the dark and park at the bend beneath the power lines

i think I’m still that person sometimes

hiding in the night

wishing things were different

will I ever grow up

and like who I am

seems like I’m always recovering

maybe that’s when I’m at my best

every time I drive by

i think of those power lines

how far do they go

if I could travel along them

could I ever get to a better place

where i‘m not trying so hard

i’m always trying

but I think I’m doing it wrong

my efforts falling short

i’d like to be the source that travels in those wires

blank but deafening

only I never seem to get to the right places

maybe you were right

i’ll never be okay

never quite happy enough to be happy

never sad enough either

it’s just that I think I’m living someone else’s life sometimes

and I don’t know what they want from me

all these street signs that raised me

Heard and Blossom

Washington and Clarke

i wonder if the wires will take me

 where I ride my bike around the same block

 where summers felt as long as winter actually is

 where angels watched from a kitchen window

i wonder if I walked into that pond at the end of your street

could I emerge, reborn

stripped of scar tissue and what I remember 

rise up a new person

someone who isn’t afraid to choose

none of these things will make me happy

if I walked back through that front door

climbed the two staircases up to the third floor attic

and flew out the window 

would I crash onto the pavement of those front steps 

between the lions carved from stone

or would I rise above the telephone wires and street lamps

and never feel fear to speak again

or maybe I would be a messy little girl and that would be okay this time 

e  v  e  r  y time I get what I want I feel empty

there is something missing 

i might find it written in the street signs

North and Main

Livingston

Shawsheen and Whipple

when new meant better

a real house where a real family would live

ghosts were supposed to stay behind

pictures up the hallway

devil sleeping on the couch

always unsure 

not quite right in this body

bones stiff

heart fluttering

small cage

chasing breath

getting taller

fears settling in their new positions 

cozy insecurities

discomfort painted the walls

i don’t want to be here

again

nobody on this earth knows me

myself included 

i see happier faces

always gloating, laughing

they see what I can’t

have what I never will

know the things I haven’t learned yet

figured it out

i’m listening

i’m waiting eagerly

desperately 

if I take steps forward

i might just fall out of that third floor window

and land in the pond at the end of your street

and if I follow the power lines 

i might just swim all the way out of here

and breathe for the first time new air

and it will fill my lungs until my chest expands into new depths

dimensions I never knew were there

and I’m smiling

i can smell it

acceptance

i remember it

peace

i hear it

laughter

i feel it

safety

i taste it

joy

i made it

i finally made it

Posted on

drive

keep treading water like this
you're bound to tire out
keep trusting someone will save you
you’re bound to drown
i only give one good chance
and then I miss someone
won’t hold grudges but I don’t forgive easily
i could forget if my gut would stop reminding me

are you ever genuine?

i might stop looking behind closed doors for
your intentions 
if you’d stop shutting them
i’ll stop hiding under blankets
if you stop scaring me with shadow games
i’ll stop running up the stairs 
if you stop chasing me

can we be honest?
do we know the meaning?

if your insecurities would stop screaming 
you might hear what I’m saying
you always beat around the bush
saying a whole lot of nothing but your talking 
doesn’t stop
your mouth is moving but I can’t make out a 
damn thing you say
and I wish for a second
you could stop and I could stop
and we could look at one another
step over the pile of shit we’ve been 
tossing all our faults in
and hold on to each other
until we can stop holding onto 
who is right and who is wrong

if this is all we have
let's leave it here
let it live in this space
let it spin around in its own dust storm

you brushed it off 
like a change in personality should 
have been expected
like maybe you knew it was coming
i sure didn’t
the carousel we rode, a teasing rotation
made it too easy to jump on and off
you know I love you though
i know you love me too
we almost love too much to be angry
love too much to turn our backs
i thought maybe that was the case
but I think you just told me your 
version of goodbye

could we just say what we mean?
do we know how?


i still can’t imagine life without you
even when you make it too intense
and your wordiness too complicated
i’d like to simplify with you 
i don’t know where to begin

i drove around today looking for you
with no intention of finding you anywhere
and no idea what to do with you if I did
i might try to embrace it all away

do you think we could hold on 
long enough to forget?

straight through awkward touches
dig ourselves out of the hole of ill intentions
passed the first kiss
the unraveling confessions 
the premature devotion
our future gave us more comfort then 
the present moment
we had catching up to do


i drove around today 
i like the feeling of leaving and heading 
somewhere better
thoughts come out when the coast is clear
when I was kid, long car rides meant 
we were going somewhere
leaving the house of terrors behind
at least for a little while


                my aunt always said 
         driving was the greatest privilege
                     she said 
      you can get in your car and go anywhere


i always imagined I would be grateful for it too
reminded myself to remember where it can take me
what it can save me from
watching closely
memorizing what foot pressed what pedals
what direction to turn the keys
R meant reverse
D meant drive
i wanted to make sure I knew what to do 
when I had the privilege 
funny, 
I 
didn’t 
trust
anyone 
would 
teach 
me 


my body doesn’t know how to 
do things without caution
spent most of my life in two gears 
safe on land or drowning
i learned early on how to 
handle dangerous situations
head down, quiet, stay unheard, unseen
but l i s t e n
listen scrupulously 


are you staying?
are you with me?

or have you drifted off somewhere I can’t see
has the current taken you
the winds too strong for you to paddle through
the moon not bright enough
the sky not clear enough
i’m afraid of the hole that might
be left in your absence
like a flower ripped out of the ground
roots dangling and ragged

your body will take you in the 
direction you set your eyes

are looking at me?
are you looking?

Posted on

B.

your face
your eager smile
wisps of unruly hair that insist on 
slipping from behind your ear
you self consciously tuck them back
silently reprimanding
i brush your hand away
leave them I say
nothing looks out of place


mutual understanding
dancers in the kitchen
you watch my hands cut carrots
you watch my hands
stained the color of bleeding beets
you watch my hands 
peel the flaky layers of onion
its thin, crackling shell sticking to my fingers
you watch my hands slice cucumber
it’s my hands
you watch




sip wine from lavender cups
we sit across from a round table
we sit cross legged on the carpet
we eat leafy salad
we slurp french soup
we laugh but also there is quiet
not silence
quiet
comfortable quiet


there are moments i hold onto that could have 
m o v e d mountains
intense certainty met with bold confessions 
met with tears of scared joy
...and mountains m o v e d
a narrative we only partially understood
but we believed even so


i applaud the innocence of the unknown
when we had no reason to believe anything other 
than exactly what we  w a n t e d
i envy that short period of time 
when there is only good
seldom does it last long
i hope next time i remember 
that I’ll miss it some day
Posted on

shifter

look at the shape i’m in
all fragile limbs
like tree fingers
spread out like vines
veins of energy
vibrating
i am light
traveling like you’d never believe
faster than your eyes can long for
such weight 
i bring you down
but I am flying overhead
you reach but fall short
voices carry
always listening 
sailing up your ear canal
i am opening
shifting
spreading
leaking into unfelt crevices
a spineless serpent
a rift in your disposition 
i am dissonance
a quake in your calm
a desperate reprieve in waiting 
i can feel it
you can feel it
it eludes us
i am the shape i’m in
a mass of interference 
a giant, fragile stem
protruding from rooted rumble
half rotten, half thriving
choking on my own birth
Posted on

hunted

we walked around mountain tops

we stood at the edge of the world

i didn’t hold your hand

i grasped at the life I could see but never feel

i was tasting it

you were there

maybe you were somewhere else

it didn’t matter to me after a while

i was a hunter

i was hungry

i had my bow and arrow

i had aim

i walked on mountain tops

i stood at the edge of the world

i was scared

i was hopeful

i couldn’t go back

one giant leap in front of the other

limbs scared stiff

we smelled of red dirt

and hot sun

we wore the earth on our faces

and heaviness in our hearts

narcissism doesn’t have tact

doesn’t pay attention to social cues

there’s never a good time to be emotionally unstable 

empty canyons

filed up with overlapping disappointment 

wiser now

you don’t offer up how you’ve been

you don’t ask about me

still walking through ice cold rivers

unmarked trails

i still have too much compassion for you

couldn’t get out of our own way

better at mapping out the roads we never should have traveled

masters of web making

technicians of blame

our fingers always pointing in the wrong direction

we knew where we were going 

we never had the courage to say it out loud

can we say it now

i was always up there

looking down

watching like a hawk

i was a hunter

you, an impersonator 

both of us screaming for silence

i was waiting

for peace

for defeat

a discoverer 

i had it in me

i just didn’t want to use it