Tag: lonliness

I feel so alone. And not just now, in quarantine. I always feel alone. Sometimes though, the aloneness drifts beneath the surface. And other times, it rises, nearly drowning me. Today it feels like that. I can literally feel the people close to me moving further away. They reach out less, never when I need them the most. I feel like an island. Like everyone knows where I am, they can see me but they can’t get to me. Somehow, they don’t  realize that I’m not well. That I want to be saved. I am alone, in my thoughts, in my worries. I’m alone in the way I speak and act. I’m alone in the way I express myself. I’m alone in what I eat, drink. I’m alone in how I sleep, or lack there of, and the way I dream. I’m alone in my nightmares. Nobody sees the world through my eyes. There is no similar lens. I’m alone in my aloneness. Everyone is so content where they are. I’m alone in my want for more. I’m alone in my need for expansion, exploration and growth. I crave to be opened, wide. I crave to be seen, heard, felt. I speak and a different language comes out, a sound unrecognized, unsympathized. I feel so much. Too much. Deeply, profoundly deep. I feel everything from everyone. I feel it 10 times harder. I want to scream. I am screaming. Nobody ever hears me. I am silenced, gagged. I see nobody like me. My words fall on deaf ears, voiceless tongues, blind eyes. Hello. My god will I ever feel a part of something. Will I ever feel connected? I am so alone and I am surrounded by people. I am in a crowded room and I am in isolation. I am alone. Familiar faces, I see how we are alike, smiles, almond eyes, cheekbones, we even sound the same, our laughter. I am alien to them. I long for them to know me. I long to be understood. I am always asking. Can you hear me? Do you hear me? Will you listen? Will you? I am alone, in my home, in my family, in my world. This world, where I do not belong. I’m so tired of the noise inside my head, constant. Thoughts roped together by loneliness. Those thoughts are safe there. It is the only place they are free. If I let them out, when I let them out they quickly learn, they are not wanted elsewhere. They are not welcome. They are told to shrink, they are told they are not deserving. They are dismissed. Somehow it is too small for them out there, they’re confined by limiting walls. In here, they are growing, they are swelling, bulging, they are running in endless fields and they never tire.