I awoke this morning in blissful ignorance. I didn’t know. How long could I go without knowing? How long could I make this last? I was in a calm, anxiety free state of in-between. And I loved it. I had no texts on my phone which I took as a sign that no-one else knew either. And they were happy too. I imagined this glowy light around everyone as they pulled the covers off from over their heads and stretched out their arms and legs reaching and growing to infinity. I imagined everyone had a perfect cup of coffee, the grounds to water ratio on point, warm enough to sooth your soul but not too hot to scorch your tongue. And the sun, was bright- this I didn’t have to imagine because it was bright. It was warming my wood floors and shining in my eyes and it said, this is a new day.
I awoke to a quiet morning, eerily quiet, yet appeasing. Even my thoughts were quiet. They were tired as well, always running around lately, working on puzzle after puzzle, argument after argument, point after point being made. They’ve been doing overtime, putting in extra hours and realizing that trying to reason with the unreasonable is utterly exhausting and impossible. Constantly pleading, care about me! Care about them! Why don’t you care?!?!? Shouldn’t it be a natural human instinct to care for others? Their muscles are getting stronger but their will is weakening. Today, they were restful. Possibly and most likely without good reason. In truth, they are just resetting. Replenishing. Gearing up for their biggest task yet.
I cannot look at results. Not until it’s over. I cannot begin to feel something unless I know for certain it is the only possible outcome. Only then will I be able to work through the feelings I have. Be it anxiety, panic, fear, heartbreak or relief, it will be extreme and overwhelming. And I just cannot commit to them yet, I cannot allow myself the exposure. I have to be very protective of my energy right now and I have to be strong. I don’t feel numb or as if I am avoiding anything. I feel very present and in control. It’s an odd feeling given the circumstances but I’m grateful for it. I don’t want to say it because I feel like it’s too soon and I don’t want to be disappointed but there is a glimmer, an underlining of shimmer, a light, transparent cloud of delicate, fragile, spider web thin hope.