Hattie Zubie

When I first separated from my ex-wife the only thing that felt separate was our locations. She was living there, I was living here. Everything else still felt totally connected, which made it hard for me to wake up, and move on with my life. The first month or so was the worst. Everything I had done for the last seven years involved another person, every decision I made. Suddenly I found myself in the grocery store staring at food and not knowing whether I wanted it or “we” wanted it. What toast do I buy for breakfast, and what do I like to put on it? Do I even want toast, or do I want oatmeal? Those bananas are too ripe, but are they the right ripeness for me? What kind of tea do I want? What about my coffee in the morning, will I drink full or half calf? What should I make for dinner, and how much leftovers do I need for a one person lunch the next day? We can’t eat rice and vegetables for three nights in a row, that’s boring and repetitive. But wait, I LOVE rice and vegetables and CAN eat it three days in a row! Don’t even look at cookies, ice cream, or chocolate bars, you have no one to surprise with those, but would YOU like some? I had no clue what I would want sitting on the couch after dinner as a treat with my tea. So I said, fuck it. I didn’t shop. I drank my sisters tea, would run into whole foods on the mornings I worked, grab something for lunch, and I honestly can’t remember what I ate for dinner. Will I ever buy a bottle of wine again? Who am I going to share it with? Who is going to get as excited as I am about it? Can I be excited about it all on my own? I physically could not bring myself to think about it. I didn’t even want to eat or shop, suddenly it felt like a chore.

Even getting dressed in the morning felt weird. Who am I trying to impress? What do I wear when I’m not dressing for the pleasure of another person. And did I really just say “for the pleasure of another person?”  Who the hell am I?!?! That was the problem. I had forgotten. It’s not that I didn’t know, I had simply forgotten. I had to relearn certain things about myself. It was a book I hadn’t opened in a while but at one time, I knew it word for word. What do I love? What gives me pleasure? What makes me feel good in the morning? What makes me smile? What makes me feel confident? What decisions will I make when my opinion is all that matters? When there is no fear of judgment, disapproval or disappointment?

As the weather was getting colder I realized I had to go into my storage and pull out all of my sweaters. After rummaging through them, I could not even bring myself to take them out of the bags they were in. Old sweaters I would have thrown out long ago but kept around because she thought they were cute on me. Sweaters I bought for her but she didn’t wear so I wore them instead. Sweaters I wore for holidays and for cold walks on Thanksgiving because some families (my in-laws)  like to go on long, freezing cold walks on Thanksgiving morning. Well you know what? Not my family!! I left them in the bag and without hesitation spent an ungodly amount of money on new winter attire from Top Shop. Those old clothes would have made me feel like I was putting on clothes that belonged to someone else. In a sense, I would have been. I was realizing that I had slowly transformed myself into someone that fit snuggly (tried to anyway) into another persons life. Little tweaks here and there that felt like the “expected” thing to do, all added up and turned me into someone else. Sometimes it was just the easier thing to do, like switching to a new brand of coffee. But other times it was something much bigger, like choosing to stay home on Sundays when all my siblings are at my parents house. Convincing myself that I in fact needed a day at home with my wife. And that I can’t possibly be expected to spend every single Sunday with my family even though that is exactly what I had done and looked forward to my whole entire life. Ever try forcing something to fit in a space it’s too big for? You get bulges, wrinkles, cracks. It simply does not work.

Relationships are a wonder to me. What we do in them, for them, in spite or them, and despite them. There are things we as individuals are willing to let go of, look past, accept and tolerate for a relationship. And some of that is okay but without boundaries you are simply losing yourself. You are taking both feet off the ground and not only letting but expecting and hoping that someone else will carry you. And the trouble with that is that they can bring you anywhere. Every day my feet are planted firmly on the ground. My legs are strong and sturdy. I am working hard to ensure that in the future nobody ever knocks me off my feet again but rather stands next to me with both their feet firmly planted as well. Side by side we will grow much taller.