I learned something new about myself this weekend that I have to share because I found it so profound. Now, bare with me as I am jumping ahead and skipping over some pretty juicy details about my life but I promise I will circle back around at some point in the near future.
I was invited to go hiking with a client of mine, his girlfriend and her son. They were nice enough to let me tag along because I was about to go on a solo hike for the very first time that I probably wasn’t really prepared for. I am solo because I recently lost my hiking partner. No, not in some tragic, off the cliff, hiker sort of way. I’m getting a divorce. I haven’t really hiked with anyone but my wife. We got serious about hiking on our road trip and we were great hiking partners, we both kept a fast pace (hers albeit faster than mine), we didn’t waste our breathe chatting the whole way, and she was fearless, which helped me with my fear of heights/falling. I accomplished a great deal when it came to my fear of heights. I hiked trails I would never have even considered before. There were moments I started to panic, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, but she would always backtrack a little to come help me. She was supportive and encouraging.
Despite pushing through my fear and hiking, the fear was still there, and it was strong. But, it was ok because my wife was there to help me. I had to go, I had to keep up because we were doing this together. What I found on the hike I went on over the weekend was that most of the fears that were very recently still impacting my hiking ability, weren’t showing their ugly faces. Standing on a steep slope, kind of fine. Looking up while on a steep slope, also kind of fine. Looking down and/or out at the view, also kind of fine. Standing near the ledge at the summit, pretty friggin fine. Don’t get me wrong, I had nerves. But the fear did not take the front seat the way it always did.
So, what’s the difference? I was doing it for the wrong person. I had been pushing through my fear of heights/falling for my wife. I wanted her to want to hike with me. I was doing it so SHE could be proud of me, I was doing it so SHE could encourage me. I was doing it to show HER that I was a strong person. I was doing it to feel HER support. I was doing it because SHE thought that I could. I was doing it so SHE could see that I was becoming less afraid. But all that did was keep my fears at bay. It didn’t get rid of them, it just allowed me to function along with them. In a weird way, it made my “fear conquering” less authentic. I think that within the relationship I had with my wife, the constant need to prove I could conquer my fear, resulted in me not conquering it at all. I don’t think I ever would have. But without her, without looking for her support, her encouragement, her fearlessness, I had to have it for myself. When I didn’t have her hand to grab on to, to help pull me up, I had to get up by myself. I had to be all of that on my own. And I was. All of that was right there, within me, all along.
My therapist put it in a way I could really make sense of, a way I could visualize- I was centered. My center of gravity was aligned. I wasn’t reaching, leaning, or looking outside of myself (towards Sarah) which would literally put my center of gravity, off center. I was grounded.
Sometimes you do not realize you are being held back until you are set free. Love yourself first. Trust yourself first. Be proud of yourself first. Support yourself first. Encourage yourself first. Challenge yourself first. Push through for you. Hike because YOU love to hike. And conquer your fears because YOU know you can. Do not spend your life waiting on someone else’s cue. Be your own spark, your own ignition, your own compass. You can begin, you can push through and you can find yourself, fearlessly, on the other side.