Category: struggle

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Binding Down

Like someone reached down and grabbed me by my roots

Left a dirt trail behind them

Crumbles that were the massive endeavor of an open heart

The type of growing pains you can see and feel

Like bones breaking in transformation 

A full moon nightmare

Resisting the urge to cave back in

I know I came here for a reason

I know I’m getting taller despite

the shrinking feeling in my chest

Heart chocking on its own beating

Throat suffocating its own voice

Lungs stifling their own breath 

This is not self inflicted 

This is giving

This is painted the color of blame

This is trying

This is the gift of good faith

A thankless achievement 

Soaring up to the sun 

Returning only blistered and blinded

And unsure if I can heal in time

to remember what it felt like to fly into the light

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A panic attack in the worlds healthiest food store

He started speaking to me

I raised my hand in a gesture that said

No thanks, not today

“Wow, you have a great ass”

I stop and my mouth opens

“Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit”

It came out louder than I expected

angry and urgent

almost desperate

He was close enough to hit

my body jerked forward like I might 

A great ass

Words from a mouth heard through my ears but I felt them 

like a hand on my ass

Strong, gripping, cupping

A rounded palm invasion

He grabbed my ass

A man, a stranger standing next to me grabbed my ass

But no, just words

I walk to my car shaking

I start driving

I think about

the men sitting on front stoops 

whistling at my 8 year old body

uttering words in a 

language I don’t know

as I walked to the corner store to 

buy Now and Laters and Munchos

The guy at a friends party who “tapped” his pool

stick between my legs

out of nowhere and everyone thought it was funny

The men at bars and clubs

casually placing hands on the

small of my back and the sides of my ribs

The men at work who told me

I had great legs and tried greeting me

with a kiss on the cheek

Or waited for me to finish up so 

they could have a word

The ones who holler out car windows as they pass

or beep and make me jump when I’m

just trying to go for a walk

The tyrant I lived with for 3 quarters of my life

who walked around dominating

his way through my childhood

getting off on

the fear he invoked

in all the women in his life

Knowing he could say and do whatever he

wanted and no one 

would do a damn thing about it

The silence

The shaking my head and walking away

The rage and fire that engulfed my body

The silence

The assumption that this is to be expected from men and it is

The learned understanding that this is just how men are

This is just how women are treated

This is just what happens when you walk down the street

in shorts, jeans, sweatpants, a skirt, a dress, a trash bag

When you are 8 and when you are 35

This is normal

This is all you’ve known

No one says it’s wrong

and so the feelings you have

the rage 

humiliation 

violation

anger

fear

have nowhere to go

Nowhere to go

My hands grip the steering wheel 

and I let out a murderous scream

I am driving faster than I should 

It’s raining

I park my car, put my 

mask on and 

walk into Whole Foods

I am frantically searching for items unknown

I suddenly have no idea why I came

I zigzag through leisurely shoppers

It is too big, too loud, too bright

There are too many people and 

I want to tell everyone what

has just happened to me

Because the longer I sit with it 

the more it feels like

my throat is expanding but my airway is getting smaller

My mind racing for what I 

wrote on the list I didn’t bring with me

I am gasping for breath

I let out audible noise as I exhale

I feel condensation building around my nose and mouth

I speak out loud, BREATHE MARIA

Coffee 

I cannot find the kind that I buy

I start to panic

I let out more and louder noises

I have no clue what it sounds like

I just cannot keep quiet for 

fear my body might explode from the inside out

Tears start pooling up in my eyes

I try blinking them away

I cannot breathe

I need to get out of here 

My skin is hot

I can hear my heart beating in my ears

My throat feels tight, swollen, horse, scratchy and burning 

as it remembers the anger that stifled and then erupted

As it remembers the stranger that touched me with words

He put his words on me

He put his words on me

I felt them 

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Election Day and the day after and the day after and…

I awoke this morning in blissful ignorance. I didn’t know. How long could I go without knowing? How long could I make this last? I was in a calm, anxiety free state of in-between. And I loved it. I had no texts on my phone which I took as a sign that no-one else knew either. And they were happy too. I imagined this glowy light around everyone as they pulled the covers off from over their heads and stretched out their arms and legs reaching and growing to infinity. I imagined everyone had a perfect cup of coffee, the grounds to water ratio on point, warm enough to sooth your soul but not too hot to scorch your tongue. And the sun, was bright- this I didn’t have to imagine because it was bright. It was warming my wood floors and shining in my eyes and it said, this is a new day.

I awoke to a quiet morning, eerily quiet, yet appeasing. Even my thoughts were quiet. They were tired as well, always running around lately, working on puzzle after puzzle, argument after argument, point after point being made. They’ve been doing overtime, putting in extra hours and realizing that trying to reason with the unreasonable is utterly exhausting and impossible. Constantly pleading, care about me! Care about them! Why don’t you care?!?!? Shouldn’t it be a natural human instinct to care for others? Their muscles are getting stronger but their will is weakening. Today, they were restful. Possibly and most likely without good reason. In truth, they are just resetting. Replenishing. Gearing up for their biggest task yet.

I cannot look at results. Not until it’s over. I cannot begin to feel something unless I know for certain it is the only possible outcome. Only then will I be able to work through the feelings I have. Be it anxiety, panic, fear, heartbreak or relief, it will be extreme and overwhelming. And I just cannot commit to them yet, I cannot allow myself the exposure. I have to be very protective of my energy right now and I have to be strong. I don’t feel numb or as if I am avoiding anything. I feel very present and in control. It’s an odd feeling given the circumstances but I’m grateful for it. I don’t want to say it because I feel like it’s too soon and I don’t want to be disappointed but there is a glimmer, an underlining of shimmer, a light, transparent cloud of delicate, fragile, spider web thin hope.

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february

the question of wether or not we loved each other 

hung like the golden autumn leaves as a backdrop to the deer carcasses on the side of the highway

illuminating doom

i miss you my friend

and I wish we still lived in wonder

i drive by your old house on the way to visit my parents

you don’t live there anymore

someones car is in the driveway

the horseshoe of Ferncroft

i used to drive there in the dark and park at the bend beneath the power lines

i think I’m still that person sometimes

hiding in the night

wishing things were different

will I ever grow up

and like who I am

seems like I’m always recovering

maybe that’s when I’m at my best

every time I drive by

i think of those power lines

how far do they go

if I could travel along them

could I ever get to a better place

where i‘m not trying so hard

i’m always trying

but I think I’m doing it wrong

my efforts falling short

i’d like to be the source that travels in those wires

blank but deafening

only I never seem to get to the right places

maybe you were right

i’ll never be okay

never quite happy enough to be happy

never sad enough either

it’s just that I think I’m living someone else’s life sometimes

and I don’t know what they want from me

all these street signs that raised me

Heard and Blossom

Washington and Clarke

i wonder if the wires will take me

 where I ride my bike around the same block

 where summers felt as long as winter actually is

 where angels watched from a kitchen window

i wonder if I walked into that pond at the end of your street

could I emerge, reborn

stripped of scar tissue and what I remember 

rise up a new person

someone who isn’t afraid to choose

none of these things will make me happy

if I walked back through that front door

climbed the two staircases up to the third floor attic

and flew out the window 

would I crash onto the pavement of those front steps 

between the lions carved from stone

or would I rise above the telephone wires and street lamps

and never feel fear to speak again

or maybe I would be a messy little girl and that would be okay this time 

e  v  e  r  y time I get what I want I feel empty

there is something missing 

i might find it written in the street signs

North and Main

Livingston

Shawsheen and Whipple

when new meant better

a real house where a real family would live

ghosts were supposed to stay behind

pictures up the hallway

devil sleeping on the couch

always unsure 

not quite right in this body

bones stiff

heart fluttering

small cage

chasing breath

getting taller

fears settling in their new positions 

cozy insecurities

discomfort painted the walls

i don’t want to be here

again

nobody on this earth knows me

myself included 

i see happier faces

always gloating, laughing

they see what I can’t

have what I never will

know the things I haven’t learned yet

figured it out

i’m listening

i’m waiting eagerly

desperately 

if I take steps forward

i might just fall out of that third floor window

and land in the pond at the end of your street

and if I follow the power lines 

i might just swim all the way out of here

and breathe for the first time new air

and it will fill my lungs until my chest expands into new depths

dimensions I never knew were there

and I’m smiling

i can smell it

acceptance

i remember it

peace

i hear it

laughter

i feel it

safety

i taste it

joy

i made it

i finally made it

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the devil below is the devil that looks down

if you look over that cliff
a dizzying drop
a long way down
your heart plummets into your stomach
half of you wants to back away
the other half wants to jump


it’s not what’s down there that you want
it’s not what you’ll feel on the way
the power of a free fall
blasting against you
it's the anguish that will erupt from your mistrust
it's the havoc you'll construct from your absense


everything rushing passed 
you can’t grab a hold of it
you can hardly see
the blurry perspective 
unseen advantage
 
did you jump
in between exaggeration and manipulation
an escape from your devouring ego


you’re a flight risk
but you kept that from me
a dumpster fire
you’re good at playing the part
you didn’t believe it yourself


you walked close to the edge
taunting me with near death
all the time


they say if you’re wondering who someone is
wait patiently, they will show you in time


do you believe in happenstance
do you believe in coincidence 


what was it you were trying to show me
if not you’re uglier than your appearance 


what was it you were trying to show me
if not your intentions are tainted black


what was it you were trying to show me
if not your ability to dance around words


what was it you were trying to show me
if not that you’re a victim. always


danger follows you
like an obedient dog
you take it out when it best suits you 
but you never admit to keeping it on a leash


you’re so close to the edge 
a wobbly walk
straddling what grounds you
and what pulls you towards what could only hurt you more


you keep looking down
you keep looking down