Category: Self Discovery

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hunted

we walked around mountain tops

we stood at the edge of the world

i didn’t hold your hand

i grasped at the life I could see but never feel

i was tasting it

you were there

maybe you were somewhere else

it didn’t matter to me after a while

i was a hunter

i was hungry

i had my bow and arrow

i had aim

i walked on mountain tops

i stood at the edge of the world

i was scared

i was hopeful

i couldn’t go back

one giant leap in front of the other

limbs scared stiff

we smelled of red dirt

and hot sun

we wore the earth on our faces

and heaviness in our hearts

narcissism doesn’t have tact

doesn’t pay attention to social cues

there’s never a good time to be emotionally unstable 

empty canyons

filed up with overlapping disappointment 

wiser now

you don’t offer up how you’ve been

you don’t ask about me

still walking through ice cold rivers

unmarked trails

i still have too much compassion for you

couldn’t get out of our own way

better at mapping out the roads we never should have traveled

masters of web making

technicians of blame

our fingers always pointing in the wrong direction

we knew where we were going 

we never had the courage to say it out loud

can we say it now

i was always up there

looking down

watching like a hawk

i was a hunter

you, an impersonator 

both of us screaming for silence

i was waiting

for peace

for defeat

a discoverer 

i had it in me

i just didn’t want to use it

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Awake

There is too much going on inside of me

Or maybe it is outside

My body cannot differentiate between the two 

Pounded by blows from ugly faces with fiery fists 

I have dreams of grizzly bears roaming around classrooms 

Clawing at my hands and pushing their gigantic bodies against doors

Me, pressing my body up against the other side 

Like I could stop it

Somehow I do

I feel under water

But I am not drowning 

I feel free

But I am not flying 

Free falling

But not exactly plunging 

I’m breathing but my lungs only fill up with memories and missed opportunity 

I had a dream about cars crashing into a house

I could not see them but somehow I knew there were dead bodies 

Dead bodies in the house and in the cars

What crashed into my body and died there

Something is rotting

Something is in here that does not  belong 

Who did I marry

And what did she take from me

Time

Who did I marry

And what did she give to me

Time

There is still time

Do not fill up on anger and regret

It will never bring you peace

But I look back on those days

And people keep telling me to remember the good times, it was worth it

I cannot remember them

I do not see or feel any of the good that was apparently supposed to be there

It was like a bad dream

You wish you did not have to go through it

And you know you can get out of it

But somehow you stay in it 

Asleep

Eyes closed

Hands clenched

Jaw tight

Brows furrowed 

Heart thumping

Breath deep and shallow at the same time

Lungs do not fill up with air down there

They fill up with “I told you so’s”

And “what was I thinking”

And “I knew all along”

They say If you see something, say something

Say it

Say it

Say it 

I did not speak up

I did not use my voice

I let it stifle

And fizzle out

I watched it want

But nothing


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Relearning and Unlearning who I am and Who I am not

When I first separated from my ex-wife the only thing that felt separate was our locations. She was living there, I was living here. Everything else still felt totally connected, which made it hard for me to wake up, and move on with my life. The first month or so was the worst. Everything I had done for the last seven years involved another person, every decision I made. Suddenly I found myself in the grocery store staring at food and not knowing whether I wanted it or “we” wanted it. What toast do I buy for breakfast, and what do I like to put on it? Do I even want toast, or do I want oatmeal? Those bananas are too ripe, but are they the right ripeness for me? What kind of tea do I want? What about my coffee in the morning, will I drink full or half calf? What should I make for dinner, and how much leftovers do I need for a one person lunch the next day? We can’t eat rice and vegetables for three nights in a row, that’s boring and repetitive. But wait, I LOVE rice and vegetables and CAN eat it three days in a row! Don’t even look at cookies, ice cream, or chocolate bars, you have no one to surprise with those, but would YOU like some? I had no clue what I would want sitting on the couch after dinner as a treat with my tea. So I said, fuck it. I didn’t shop. I drank my sisters tea, would run into whole foods on the mornings I worked, grab something for lunch, and I honestly can’t remember what I ate for dinner. Will I ever buy a bottle of wine again? Who am I going to share it with? Who is going to get as excited as I am about it? Can I be excited about it all on my own? I physically could not bring myself to think about it. I didn’t even want to eat or shop, suddenly it felt like a chore.

Even getting dressed in the morning felt weird. Who am I trying to impress? What do I wear when I’m not dressing for the pleasure of another person. And did I really just say “for the pleasure of another person?”  Who the hell am I?!?! That was the problem. I had forgotten. It’s not that I didn’t know, I had simply forgotten. I had to relearn certain things about myself. It was a book I hadn’t opened in a while but at one time, I knew it word for word. What do I love? What gives me pleasure? What makes me feel good in the morning? What makes me smile? What makes me feel confident? What decisions will I make when my opinion is all that matters? When there is no fear of judgment, disapproval or disappointment?

As the weather was getting colder I realized I had to go into my storage and pull out all of my sweaters. After rummaging through them, I could not even bring myself to take them out of the bags they were in. Old sweaters I would have thrown out long ago but kept around because she thought they were cute on me. Sweaters I bought for her but she didn’t wear so I wore them instead. Sweaters I wore for holidays and for cold walks on Thanksgiving because some families (my in-laws)  like to go on long, freezing cold walks on Thanksgiving morning. Well you know what? Not my family!! I left them in the bag and without hesitation spent an ungodly amount of money on new winter attire from Top Shop. Those old clothes would have made me feel like I was putting on clothes that belonged to someone else. In a sense, I would have been. I was realizing that I had slowly transformed myself into someone that fit snuggly (tried to anyway) into another persons life. Little tweaks here and there that felt like the “expected” thing to do, all added up and turned me into someone else. Sometimes it was just the easier thing to do, like switching to a new brand of coffee. But other times it was something much bigger, like choosing to stay home on Sundays when all my siblings are at my parents house. Convincing myself that I in fact needed a day at home with my wife. And that I can’t possibly be expected to spend every single Sunday with my family even though that is exactly what I had done and looked forward to my whole entire life. Ever try forcing something to fit in a space it’s too big for? You get bulges, wrinkles, cracks. It simply does not work.

Relationships are a wonder to me. What we do in them, for them, in spite or them, and despite them. There are things we as individuals are willing to let go of, look past, accept and tolerate for a relationship. And some of that is okay but without boundaries you are simply losing yourself. You are taking both feet off the ground and not only letting but expecting and hoping that someone else will carry you. And the trouble with that is that they can bring you anywhere. Every day my feet are planted firmly on the ground. My legs are strong and sturdy. I am working hard to ensure that in the future nobody ever knocks me off my feet again but rather stands next to me with both their feet firmly planted as well. Side by side we will grow much taller. 


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the greatest

We used to listen to a Cat Power’s album over and over in bed

We started making love to it and then eventually we would fall asleep to it

Lately I’ve been skipping over this one song when I hear it

Not wanting to face what feelings I might encounter

But the other day it came on and I let it play

And it occurred to me I never listened to the words before

Once I wanted to be the greatest, she says

The greatest of what I wondered

The greatest of all time

The greatest to conquer

The greatest singer

The greatest writer

Once I thought you were my greatest lover

I thought you were the love to end all loves

You brought me to my knees

You ended me with one look

I surrendered to you

No wind or waterfall could stall me, she says

And I thought, I would have given anything for you

I was the greatest fighter for you

I gave up many things

I thought I was fighting for something

I thought I was doing what anyone would do for love

And then came the rush of the flood, she says

And then came the surrender, I thought

But I was not a failure, no

I gave up on something that wasn’t working

But I fought for what I thought was right

And if it were right

I would have kept fighting

Now I’m fighting for myself 

Stars at night turned deep to dust, she says

I could follow the glimmering night sky until it lead me nowhere

You were no North Star

No galaxy of wonder

You were a blinding dust bowl 

A mirage of sparkles

That would only swallow anyone who dared to come too close

Melt me down, she says

I slowly became a puddle of myself

A shallow pool of has-been strength and tenacity

I no longer knew my mind or my soul

Into big black armour, she says

How long before you showed your true colors

I rose my white flag proudly 

And then I ran with it

Whipping in the wind like a sail

Leave no trace of grace, she says

And you didn’t

Just in your honor, she sings

In your honor, I thought

There is no honor in deceit

There is no honor in your actions

There is nothing honorable about that

About you

But this?

The ending of something that was not meant to be

That is honorable

That is brave

That is the greatest 

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Cold Coffee

Just after sunrise

Cold morning filling the small space 

A sweatshirt for you

I like the chill in my bones

Hot coffee

Favorite cups

Mine was a gift from you

Just an arms length away

I felt you like you were up against me

My favorite time

Sleepy eyes for you

Sometimes we talked

I liked the in between spaces better

No noise, just knowing

I knew

I always knew

I thought I knew

I didn’t know

I didn’t know I didn’t know

I did

Coffees gone cold

You thought I should have dealt with losing you better

My favorite mornings I share with my thoughts only

I don’t want to do it over

I wouldn’t change what you did

I would change what I did

Can you trust someone too much

Can you miss them and know that they don’t belong in your better world

It wasn’t better 

It wasn’t the best

It’s for the best now

Do you remember me

I made you a book of poetry

I did whatever it took

I made love to you like I was making it for the first time

I thought you opened my world up

You were blowing it apart

Bit by bit

Small parts at a time

I didn’t notice

You wouldn’t do that to me

If you remembered me

You must think I’m someone else

If I can have the same from you…

That was what we vowed

You don’t remember

You’re not holding up your part

Your words are no good here anymore

Cold coffee

I stare at an empty space across from me

No one took your seat

I’m still waiting for the person that was honest

Taking me a while to admit

She never existed

Afraid it says more about me than you

Afraid I ran into raging waters without a life vest

Knowing I couldn’t swim that well

Thinking I could learn along the way

I thought I could learn along the way

Perhaps I thought you would teach me

Perhaps I thought you brought a raft big enough for two

Take me back

To before the mornings were my favorite part

So I can choose a different time of day

When the light isn’t so beautiful

When the world isn’t so quiet

So bare

So showing

When thoughts and faces are less exposed

When they are pure and clean before they are tarnished by the day ahead 

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The Storm and the Heartbreak

And then the rain came

And then the thunder boomed

And we were like two lightening bolts of electricity in the same night sky

Battling over who was brighter

And who had a better chance of catching something on fire

And then the truth came out

And then the hurt rushed in

And then the past was suddenly much further in the past than it had been a moment ago

And then the rain came

And then the floods swept through

And then you were looking at a future that didn’t include me

And then the thunder boomed

And we were like two lightening bolts of electricity in the same night sky

Battling over who was brighter

And who had a better chance of catching something on fire

And then the wind picked up

And it blew everything apart

You were over there

I was over here

And our commitment was to the west

Our devotion was to the east

And our trust was up north

And our love was down south 

And then the rain came

And the rivers overflowed

And they brought debris

Broken boats and picket fences

Front doors and window frames

Promises and vows

Hope, laughter, certainty

And then we were swimming among everything we ever wanted

And struggling to stay afloat

Trying to grab a hold of something familiar

To keep us above the water

Trying to help each other but we just kept pushing each other under

And then our lungs filled up

And then everything got blurry

And then everything got black

And then the rain came

And we were two lightening bolts of electricity in the same night sky

Battling over who was brighter

And who had a better chance of catching on fire

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Can’t Trust the Sharks

If I dove in

Would the strength in my soul keep me afloat

Or would my demons pull me under

What side of the fence would you be standing on

It’s hard to tell these days

If you’re in the light or the dark

Are you part of my saving

Or are you killing me

Your face is fading

It’s warping into different shapes

Under this water

You don’t look the same

Your hands aren’t reaching

Your arms are not open

Your eyes have turned from green to grey to black

You’re not my lover

You are a sea creature 

Lurking in shadows

Only coming out to feed

You told me I was not your prey

You promised I could trust you

So I swam around freely

Basking in your presence

Gloating in the warmth of your protection

Smirking at all the other little fish

You said if I just helped you get all the food you needed

It would be ok

Then you said if only I were able to get you more food

I promised I would do whatever it took

Just so I could swim in the same water with you

And then you fucking ate me anyway 

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All the Days

Today I am happy

Today you have not crossed my mind hardly once

I say hardly because you are still embedded in the back of my subconscious 

Only a little though

I think about you hardly at all

Except for the days that I wake up thinking about you

Which aren’t many

But some

And I am at peace

Aside from the days that I am burning with hurt

Those are the days that I hate you

But then there are days that I think of you fondly

And I am grateful for you

But that is only on the days that I do not feel used

And taken advantage of

I am good

On the days that I’m not bad

And I only miss you on the days that I don’t not miss you

And I only crave your attention on days when I’m feeling insecure

But I only feel insecure on the days that I don’t feel lucky that I only wasted 6 years on you and not 20

And on the days I don’t fantasize about the life I want to live and smile to nobody but myself

Those are the only days I feel low

Because on other days I am so lifted I could fly

Because there were days you weighed me down

I might even say most days

So now-a-days I am light as a feather

And people tell me I don’t have the look of someone going through a hard time

And I say that is because sometimes the hard time is what makes everything better

And the other day someone told me I looked great

And I said I guess divorce looks good on me

Because some days I can feel sad about what happened

But I am not sad

There are days that I feel angry

But I am not angry

There are times that I feel devastated

But I try to keep those to just moments

And those moments are becoming far and few between

Because between the days that I might feel like I can’t process the way my life has changed

Are days that I breathe a sigh of relief 

And that breath gets me through the day

And on to the next day

And on to the next

I remember the day we met

And I remember the day I thought this was it

And then there’s the day I knew this was ending

And somewhere in between were days of amazing and days of misery

Days where I thought you were crazy

And some days I thought I was delusional 

And I can’t forget about the days we talked about a family

There were so many days I thought you made me a better person

But on other days we brought out the worst in each other

And yesterday I thought about you every time I was in the car

And today I did the same

But tomorrow I might forget I ever loved you at all

Because there was a day you made a decision that changed our trajectory 

And that day was a terrible day

But it wasn’t the worst day of my life 

I’ve had many days that were worse than that

I wonder what that day was like for you

There are days I think, you weren’t the worst thing that happened to me

But as the days go on I’m realizing you weren’t the best either

And in 100 days from now I bet I will feel less bitter

And 200 days from now I might feel less pain

And in 365 days this is going to feel more like a memory 

And less like it feels on this day

Which is like I’m on a carousel 

Slowly spinning around with every emotion moving up and down in a consistent flow 

Today you told me you still think of me

And it made me cry

Because it’s easy to assume that on the day to day, you don’t think of me at all

But you said you think of me all the time

That’s pretty frequently

Is it safe to say I probably cross your mind everyday 

There are days that I think about myself more than I think I about you

And those are joyful thoughts

And they get me through the day

And on to the next day

And every day is a new day

And that gets me through the day too

And on to the next day

And on to the next 

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A Dangerous Current

You are a dangerously tempting current 

Swimming with you pulls me too far out

Swimming against you is impossible 

And the moon will only light the way 

Until the clouds roll in

And they will roll in

I believed in you until I didn’t

Trust was unwavering until it wasn’t

You were a soft place to land

Until you turned to stone

Cracks in your pavement should have been a warning

There’s been trouble here before

But I had a steady place to plant my feet

And your eyes were kind

I remember when you asked me

Will you do whatever it takes

You asked me

My response was my punishment

I let go of the wind 

And held onto your coattails

You sang songs to lure me in

And then scolded me for singing along

You stand next to me now

There’s a lot behind your eyes

That I can’t see anymore

I hear words in a language I can’t speak

You’re at a distance I will never reach

I wouldn’t dare take the chance

You’re in a world that does not look safe to me

Dark shadows fly around you

And I pray they don’t get too close

But I fear they have already gotten what they came for

You were the sunshine

You were warm and all encompassing 

But you were broken in a way I couldn’t understand

Your bits and pieces too heavy for me to lift

Your cracks so big I fell in

Landed in the middle of the ocean

And when I finally got sight of the shore

The current kept pushing me back out

And back out

And back out

You knew I would tire out

You knew I wasn’t strong enough to keep going

So I let my flailing arms and legs rest

And I laid on my back

Felt the water tickle my ears and sides of my face 

As I rose and sank with the motion of the water

And just as I gave in

I was set free 

You say my poetry is too depressing

Here is a happy ending for you

I am more in love with myself than

I ever was with you

I met someone so trustworthy

So loyal

So uplifting

So passionate

She isn’t condescending

Or judgmental

She is a much better lover than you

And she will never abandon me for someone else

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The Liberating Divorce

You know what’s amazing and liberating about getting a divorce? Realizing you just spent the last 6 years trying to be loved by someone and now the only person that you want to love you is YOU. It is the most free I have ever felt. And honestly, the most loved.  I believe it is something that goes for the most part unnoticed, the losing of yourself for a relationship. It’s not entirely conscious. But there were definitely moments I had throughout my marriage where I thought, this isn’t what I want to do, this doesn’t feel right, I’m not speaking up, am I sacrificing too much? am I giving too much away? am I losing myself? I battled a little over how I let that happen. How did I, a woman who has always been independent and strong willed, let herself go like that? How did I give myself up so easily?

I started to believe I needed my marriage. I needed it more than I needed myself. And that is bullshit. Nobody needs anybody. What I needed was to re-center myself or maybe I was never that centered to begin with. I struggled my whole life with depression. I grew up in a violent, abusive home. My parents both dealt with drug addictions. I watched my father abuse my mother and my sisters and I watched my mother take it and allow it in silence. I was never shown the love I needed from either of my parents. So it has taken me a while to truly gather myself into what I would consider the best version of who I could be. I haven’t had the best examples. I never would have guessed it would take the end of what I thought was my most significant relationship in order for me to find that. But when you really give something your all, and I truly and literally gave it my all, only to watch it dissolve right in front of your face, it wakes you the fuck up. 

For the first time in my life I am adventurous and I’m adventurous on my own. For the first time in my life I am truly confident and I’m confident on my own. For the first time I am happy, content, grounded, centered and fulfilled. I feel less alone than I ever have and more connected than I ever have. I am paying attention to my body and listening to what it needs, and how it feels. I am honoring my emotions. I am nurturing friendships that have been neglected. I am so present, and aware. When my marriage ended I felt like something had been taken away from me, but now I realize I have received more than I lost. The end of my marriage was hard and it was difficult but it would be a shame to focus on that and miss out on all the beauty that is around me and within me.