Category: poetry

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Binding Down

Like someone reached down and grabbed me by my roots

Left a dirt trail behind them

Crumbles that were the massive endeavor of an open heart

The type of growing pains you can see and feel

Like bones breaking in transformation 

A full moon nightmare

Resisting the urge to cave back in

I know I came here for a reason

I know I’m getting taller despite

the shrinking feeling in my chest

Heart chocking on its own beating

Throat suffocating its own voice

Lungs stifling their own breath 

This is not self inflicted 

This is giving

This is painted the color of blame

This is trying

This is the gift of good faith

A thankless achievement 

Soaring up to the sun 

Returning only blistered and blinded

And unsure if I can heal in time

to remember what it felt like to fly into the light

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When Life Lives You

I’m self conscious about meeting new people

With this new face of mine

Tired. I look so tired

I’m not sure it’s better they think I always looked like this

Or if they know it’s a new thing

I used to be a better looking version of myself

It makes me sad and feel shallow

I keep telling myself once I get some sleep I‘ll improve

But I think it’s permanent 

It’s not just sleep

It’s grief

Fear

Heartbreak

Anguish

It’s scars

It is irreparable damage

Experiences don’t go away

They live in you

And on you 

Like emotions that furrow your brow

And frame your mouth

They show up overnight

And dig themselves a comfortable, deep hole

They settle in, with no intention of leaving

They want to be seen and heard

And felt 

And you feel them

In the tired mornings

You see them 

When you stare in the mirror after your shower

Under the bathroom light that used to be on your side

You hear them with every heavy sigh 

Your eyelids are sad even when you’re happy

The look of a worn woman

You want to be proud 

But it isn’t a life well lived you’re wearing with honor

Not the weathered face of the traveler of your dreams

No stories to tell here

Just the result of circumstances beyond your control

And when your heart overfills

The ache has nowhere else to go

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A panic attack in the worlds healthiest food store

He started speaking to me

I raised my hand in a gesture that said

No thanks, not today

“Wow, you have a great ass”

I stop and my mouth opens

“Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit”

It came out louder than I expected

angry and urgent

almost desperate

He was close enough to hit

my body jerked forward like I might 

A great ass

Words from a mouth heard through my ears but I felt them 

like a hand on my ass

Strong, gripping, cupping

A rounded palm invasion

He grabbed my ass

A man, a stranger standing next to me grabbed my ass

But no, just words

I walk to my car shaking

I start driving

I think about

the men sitting on front stoops 

whistling at my 8 year old body

uttering words in a 

language I don’t know

as I walked to the corner store to 

buy Now and Laters and Munchos

The guy at a friends party who “tapped” his pool

stick between my legs

out of nowhere and everyone thought it was funny

The men at bars and clubs

casually placing hands on the

small of my back and the sides of my ribs

The men at work who told me

I had great legs and tried greeting me

with a kiss on the cheek

Or waited for me to finish up so 

they could have a word

The ones who holler out car windows as they pass

or beep and make me jump when I’m

just trying to go for a walk

The tyrant I lived with for 3 quarters of my life

who walked around dominating

his way through my childhood

getting off on

the fear he invoked

in all the women in his life

Knowing he could say and do whatever he

wanted and no one 

would do a damn thing about it

The silence

The shaking my head and walking away

The rage and fire that engulfed my body

The silence

The assumption that this is to be expected from men and it is

The learned understanding that this is just how men are

This is just how women are treated

This is just what happens when you walk down the street

in shorts, jeans, sweatpants, a skirt, a dress, a trash bag

When you are 8 and when you are 35

This is normal

This is all you’ve known

No one says it’s wrong

and so the feelings you have

the rage 

humiliation 

violation

anger

fear

have nowhere to go

Nowhere to go

My hands grip the steering wheel 

and I let out a murderous scream

I am driving faster than I should 

It’s raining

I park my car, put my 

mask on and 

walk into Whole Foods

I am frantically searching for items unknown

I suddenly have no idea why I came

I zigzag through leisurely shoppers

It is too big, too loud, too bright

There are too many people and 

I want to tell everyone what

has just happened to me

Because the longer I sit with it 

the more it feels like

my throat is expanding but my airway is getting smaller

My mind racing for what I 

wrote on the list I didn’t bring with me

I am gasping for breath

I let out audible noise as I exhale

I feel condensation building around my nose and mouth

I speak out loud, BREATHE MARIA

Coffee 

I cannot find the kind that I buy

I start to panic

I let out more and louder noises

I have no clue what it sounds like

I just cannot keep quiet for 

fear my body might explode from the inside out

Tears start pooling up in my eyes

I try blinking them away

I cannot breathe

I need to get out of here 

My skin is hot

I can hear my heart beating in my ears

My throat feels tight, swollen, horse, scratchy and burning 

as it remembers the anger that stifled and then erupted

As it remembers the stranger that touched me with words

He put his words on me

He put his words on me

I felt them 

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february

the question of wether or not we loved each other 

hung like the golden autumn leaves as a backdrop to the deer carcasses on the side of the highway

illuminating doom

i miss you my friend

and I wish we still lived in wonder

i drive by your old house on the way to visit my parents

you don’t live there anymore

someones car is in the driveway

the horseshoe of Ferncroft

i used to drive there in the dark and park at the bend beneath the power lines

i think I’m still that person sometimes

hiding in the night

wishing things were different

will I ever grow up

and like who I am

seems like I’m always recovering

maybe that’s when I’m at my best

every time I drive by

i think of those power lines

how far do they go

if I could travel along them

could I ever get to a better place

where i‘m not trying so hard

i’m always trying

but I think I’m doing it wrong

my efforts falling short

i’d like to be the source that travels in those wires

blank but deafening

only I never seem to get to the right places

maybe you were right

i’ll never be okay

never quite happy enough to be happy

never sad enough either

it’s just that I think I’m living someone else’s life sometimes

and I don’t know what they want from me

all these street signs that raised me

Heard and Blossom

Washington and Clarke

i wonder if the wires will take me

 where I ride my bike around the same block

 where summers felt as long as winter actually is

 where angels watched from a kitchen window

i wonder if I walked into that pond at the end of your street

could I emerge, reborn

stripped of scar tissue and what I remember 

rise up a new person

someone who isn’t afraid to choose

none of these things will make me happy

if I walked back through that front door

climbed the two staircases up to the third floor attic

and flew out the window 

would I crash onto the pavement of those front steps 

between the lions carved from stone

or would I rise above the telephone wires and street lamps

and never feel fear to speak again

or maybe I would be a messy little girl and that would be okay this time 

e  v  e  r  y time I get what I want I feel empty

there is something missing 

i might find it written in the street signs

North and Main

Livingston

Shawsheen and Whipple

when new meant better

a real house where a real family would live

ghosts were supposed to stay behind

pictures up the hallway

devil sleeping on the couch

always unsure 

not quite right in this body

bones stiff

heart fluttering

small cage

chasing breath

getting taller

fears settling in their new positions 

cozy insecurities

discomfort painted the walls

i don’t want to be here

again

nobody on this earth knows me

myself included 

i see happier faces

always gloating, laughing

they see what I can’t

have what I never will

know the things I haven’t learned yet

figured it out

i’m listening

i’m waiting eagerly

desperately 

if I take steps forward

i might just fall out of that third floor window

and land in the pond at the end of your street

and if I follow the power lines 

i might just swim all the way out of here

and breathe for the first time new air

and it will fill my lungs until my chest expands into new depths

dimensions I never knew were there

and I’m smiling

i can smell it

acceptance

i remember it

peace

i hear it

laughter

i feel it

safety

i taste it

joy

i made it

i finally made it

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the devil below is the devil that looks down

if you look over that cliff
a dizzying drop
a long way down
your heart plummets into your stomach
half of you wants to back away
the other half wants to jump


it’s not what’s down there that you want
it’s not what you’ll feel on the way
the power of a free fall
blasting against you
it's the anguish that will erupt from your mistrust
it's the havoc you'll construct from your absense


everything rushing passed 
you can’t grab a hold of it
you can hardly see
the blurry perspective 
unseen advantage
 
did you jump
in between exaggeration and manipulation
an escape from your devouring ego


you’re a flight risk
but you kept that from me
a dumpster fire
you’re good at playing the part
you didn’t believe it yourself


you walked close to the edge
taunting me with near death
all the time


they say if you’re wondering who someone is
wait patiently, they will show you in time


do you believe in happenstance
do you believe in coincidence 


what was it you were trying to show me
if not you’re uglier than your appearance 


what was it you were trying to show me
if not your intentions are tainted black


what was it you were trying to show me
if not your ability to dance around words


what was it you were trying to show me
if not that you’re a victim. always


danger follows you
like an obedient dog
you take it out when it best suits you 
but you never admit to keeping it on a leash


you’re so close to the edge 
a wobbly walk
straddling what grounds you
and what pulls you towards what could only hurt you more


you keep looking down
you keep looking down
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when everything stops

Wake up
Go to sleep
Wake up
Go to sleep
Wake up


Days go by in an instant
Weeks are a blur
Monday is Wednesday is Friday is Monday again
Do not give up


Sit outside on the porch
Just to feel the sun on your face
Close your eyes


You’re at the beach
Sand on your towel
Laughter 
Waves close by
Salty air
You read a book 
You packed grapes
They feel like cool marbles on your tongue


Close your eyes
You're at the top of a mountain peak
You give an exhausted and accomplished exhale
You lay on rock warmed by the sun
Sweat cooling on your neck and down your chest
You have a chill
The air feels clean, untouched


Close your eyes
You’re at your parents house
Your sisters are there
Children running
Laughter
Childhood memories
You put your head on your mothers shoulder
Your hand in your sisters hand
You roll your eyes at your father 
You hug him when you leave


Close your eyes
You’re in bed with your lover
You hold hands
You hold one another
You hold gazes
Limbs entangled
Laughter 
You drink coffee until 3 o’clock
You make dinner
Replace mugs with wine glasses
Spend 4 hours in the kitchen




Wake up
Go to sleep
Wake up
Will it be warm enough to walk today
Maybe you could take a drive 
It’s the weekend


Go to sleep
Don’t think about having dreams
What you dreamt about before
What you might dream about
That show you watched
The friend from ten years ago who reached out
The picture of an ex lover you scrolled by
Old photographs 
Old letters
Old you
Where you belong
Where you don’t
Where you are going
Where you are not
What can you do
Don’t just look at the blackness
See it




Standstill 
Life is at a standstill 
Can you stand still
Sit still
Lay still
Be still




You can’t go there
You can’t see them
You can’t touch that
You can’t 
You can’t


You can be 
Still
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Awake

There is too much going on inside of me

Or maybe it is outside

My body cannot differentiate between the two 

Pounded by blows from ugly faces with fiery fists 

I have dreams of grizzly bears roaming around classrooms 

Clawing at my hands and pushing their gigantic bodies against doors

Me, pressing my body up against the other side 

Like I could stop it

Somehow I do

I feel under water

But I am not drowning 

I feel free

But I am not flying 

Free falling

But not exactly plunging 

I’m breathing but my lungs only fill up with memories and missed opportunity 

I had a dream about cars crashing into a house

I could not see them but somehow I knew there were dead bodies 

Dead bodies in the house and in the cars

What crashed into my body and died there

Something is rotting

Something is in here that does not  belong 

Who did I marry

And what did she take from me

Time

Who did I marry

And what did she give to me

Time

There is still time

Do not fill up on anger and regret

It will never bring you peace

But I look back on those days

And people keep telling me to remember the good times, it was worth it

I cannot remember them

I do not see or feel any of the good that was apparently supposed to be there

It was like a bad dream

You wish you did not have to go through it

And you know you can get out of it

But somehow you stay in it 

Asleep

Eyes closed

Hands clenched

Jaw tight

Brows furrowed 

Heart thumping

Breath deep and shallow at the same time

Lungs do not fill up with air down there

They fill up with “I told you so’s”

And “what was I thinking”

And “I knew all along”

They say If you see something, say something

Say it

Say it

Say it 

I did not speak up

I did not use my voice

I let it stifle

And fizzle out

I watched it want

But nothing


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the greatest

We used to listen to a Cat Power’s album over and over in bed

We started making love to it and then eventually we would fall asleep to it

Lately I’ve been skipping over this one song when I hear it

Not wanting to face what feelings I might encounter

But the other day it came on and I let it play

And it occurred to me I never listened to the words before

Once I wanted to be the greatest, she says

The greatest of what I wondered

The greatest of all time

The greatest to conquer

The greatest singer

The greatest writer

Once I thought you were my greatest lover

I thought you were the love to end all loves

You brought me to my knees

You ended me with one look

I surrendered to you

No wind or waterfall could stall me, she says

And I thought, I would have given anything for you

I was the greatest fighter for you

I gave up many things

I thought I was fighting for something

I thought I was doing what anyone would do for love

And then came the rush of the flood, she says

And then came the surrender, I thought

But I was not a failure, no

I gave up on something that wasn’t working

But I fought for what I thought was right

And if it were right

I would have kept fighting

Now I’m fighting for myself 

Stars at night turned deep to dust, she says

I could follow the glimmering night sky until it lead me nowhere

You were no North Star

No galaxy of wonder

You were a blinding dust bowl 

A mirage of sparkles

That would only swallow anyone who dared to come too close

Melt me down, she says

I slowly became a puddle of myself

A shallow pool of has-been strength and tenacity

I no longer knew my mind or my soul

Into big black armour, she says

How long before you showed your true colors

I rose my white flag proudly 

And then I ran with it

Whipping in the wind like a sail

Leave no trace of grace, she says

And you didn’t

Just in your honor, she sings

In your honor, I thought

There is no honor in deceit

There is no honor in your actions

There is nothing honorable about that

About you

But this?

The ending of something that was not meant to be

That is honorable

That is brave

That is the greatest 

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Cold Coffee

Just after sunrise

Cold morning filling the small space 

A sweatshirt for you

I like the chill in my bones

Hot coffee

Favorite cups

Mine was a gift from you

Just an arms length away

I felt you like you were up against me

My favorite time

Sleepy eyes for you

Sometimes we talked

I liked the in between spaces better

No noise, just knowing

I knew

I always knew

I thought I knew

I didn’t know

I didn’t know I didn’t know

I did

Coffees gone cold

You thought I should have dealt with losing you better

My favorite mornings I share with my thoughts only

I don’t want to do it over

I wouldn’t change what you did

I would change what I did

Can you trust someone too much

Can you miss them and know that they don’t belong in your better world

It wasn’t better 

It wasn’t the best

It’s for the best now

Do you remember me

I made you a book of poetry

I did whatever it took

I made love to you like I was making it for the first time

I thought you opened my world up

You were blowing it apart

Bit by bit

Small parts at a time

I didn’t notice

You wouldn’t do that to me

If you remembered me

You must think I’m someone else

If I can have the same from you…

That was what we vowed

You don’t remember

You’re not holding up your part

Your words are no good here anymore

Cold coffee

I stare at an empty space across from me

No one took your seat

I’m still waiting for the person that was honest

Taking me a while to admit

She never existed

Afraid it says more about me than you

Afraid I ran into raging waters without a life vest

Knowing I couldn’t swim that well

Thinking I could learn along the way

I thought I could learn along the way

Perhaps I thought you would teach me

Perhaps I thought you brought a raft big enough for two

Take me back

To before the mornings were my favorite part

So I can choose a different time of day

When the light isn’t so beautiful

When the world isn’t so quiet

So bare

So showing

When thoughts and faces are less exposed

When they are pure and clean before they are tarnished by the day ahead 

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All the Days

Today I am happy

Today you have not crossed my mind hardly once

I say hardly because you are still embedded in the back of my subconscious 

Only a little though

I think about you hardly at all

Except for the days that I wake up thinking about you

Which aren’t many

But some

And I am at peace

Aside from the days that I am burning with hurt

Those are the days that I hate you

But then there are days that I think of you fondly

And I am grateful for you

But that is only on the days that I do not feel used

And taken advantage of

I am good

On the days that I’m not bad

And I only miss you on the days that I don’t not miss you

And I only crave your attention on days when I’m feeling insecure

But I only feel insecure on the days that I don’t feel lucky that I only wasted 6 years on you and not 20

And on the days I don’t fantasize about the life I want to live and smile to nobody but myself

Those are the only days I feel low

Because on other days I am so lifted I could fly

Because there were days you weighed me down

I might even say most days

So now-a-days I am light as a feather

And people tell me I don’t have the look of someone going through a hard time

And I say that is because sometimes the hard time is what makes everything better

And the other day someone told me I looked great

And I said I guess divorce looks good on me

Because some days I can feel sad about what happened

But I am not sad

There are days that I feel angry

But I am not angry

There are times that I feel devastated

But I try to keep those to just moments

And those moments are becoming far and few between

Because between the days that I might feel like I can’t process the way my life has changed

Are days that I breathe a sigh of relief 

And that breath gets me through the day

And on to the next day

And on to the next

I remember the day we met

And I remember the day I thought this was it

And then there’s the day I knew this was ending

And somewhere in between were days of amazing and days of misery

Days where I thought you were crazy

And some days I thought I was delusional 

And I can’t forget about the days we talked about a family

There were so many days I thought you made me a better person

But on other days we brought out the worst in each other

And yesterday I thought about you every time I was in the car

And today I did the same

But tomorrow I might forget I ever loved you at all

Because there was a day you made a decision that changed our trajectory 

And that day was a terrible day

But it wasn’t the worst day of my life 

I’ve had many days that were worse than that

I wonder what that day was like for you

There are days I think, you weren’t the worst thing that happened to me

But as the days go on I’m realizing you weren’t the best either

And in 100 days from now I bet I will feel less bitter

And 200 days from now I might feel less pain

And in 365 days this is going to feel more like a memory 

And less like it feels on this day

Which is like I’m on a carousel 

Slowly spinning around with every emotion moving up and down in a consistent flow 

Today you told me you still think of me

And it made me cry

Because it’s easy to assume that on the day to day, you don’t think of me at all

But you said you think of me all the time

That’s pretty frequently

Is it safe to say I probably cross your mind everyday 

There are days that I think about myself more than I think I about you

And those are joyful thoughts

And they get me through the day

And on to the next day

And every day is a new day

And that gets me through the day too

And on to the next day

And on to the next