Awake

There is too much going on inside of me

Or maybe it is outside

My body cannot differentiate between the two 

Pounded by blows from ugly faces with fiery fists 

I have dreams of grizzly bears roaming around classrooms 

Clawing at my hands and pushing their gigantic bodies against doors

Me, pressing my body up against the other side 

Like I could stop it

Somehow I do

I feel under water

But I am not drowning 

I feel free

But I am not flying 

Free falling

But not exactly plunging 

I’m breathing but my lungs only fill up with memories and missed opportunity 

I had a dream about cars crashing into a house

I could not see them but somehow I knew there were dead bodies 

Dead bodies in the house and in the cars

What crashed into my body and died there

Something is rotting

Something is in here that does not  belong 

Who did I marry

And what did she take from me

Time

Who did I marry

And what did she give to me

Time

There is still time

Do not fill up on anger and regret

It will never bring you peace

But I look back on those days

And people keep telling me to remember the good times, it was worth it

I cannot remember them

I do not see or feel any of the good that was apparently supposed to be there

It was like a bad dream

You wish you did not have to go through it

And you know you can get out of it

But somehow you stay in it 

Asleep

Eyes closed

Hands clenched

Jaw tight

Brows furrowed 

Heart thumping

Breath deep and shallow at the same time

Lungs do not fill up with air down there

They fill up with “I told you so’s

And “what was I thinking

And “I knew all along

They say If you see something, say something

Say it

Say it

Say it 

I did not speak up

I did not use my voice

I let it stifle

And fizzle out

I watched it want

But nothing


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *