There is too much going on inside of me
Or maybe it is outside
My body cannot differentiate between the two
Pounded by blows from ugly faces with fiery fists
I have dreams of grizzly bears roaming around classrooms
Clawing at my hands and pushing their gigantic bodies against doors
Me, pressing my body up against the other side
Like I could stop it
Somehow I do
I feel under water
But I am not drowning
I feel free
But I am not flying
Free falling
But not exactly plunging
I’m breathing but my lungs only fill up with memories and missed opportunity
I had a dream about cars crashing into a house
I could not see them but somehow I knew there were dead bodies
Dead bodies in the house and in the cars
What crashed into my body and died there
Something is rotting
Something is in here that does not belong
Who did I marry
And what did she take from me
Time
Who did I marry
And what did she give to me
Time
There is still time
Do not fill up on anger and regret
It will never bring you peace
But I look back on those days
And people keep telling me to remember the good times, it was worth it
I cannot remember them
I do not see or feel any of the good that was apparently supposed to be there
It was like a bad dream
You wish you did not have to go through it
And you know you can get out of it
But somehow you stay in it
Asleep
Eyes closed
Hands clenched
Jaw tight
Brows furrowed
Heart thumping
Breath deep and shallow at the same time
Lungs do not fill up with air down there
They fill up with “I told you so’s”
And “what was I thinking”
And “I knew all along”
They say If you see something, say something
Say it
Say it
Say it
I did not speak up
I did not use my voice
I let it stifle
And fizzle out
I watched it want
But nothing