Being back in Massachusetts is more of an adjustment than I was expecting. I am not sure what I thought it would be like but I feel as though I am merging different versions of myself. One, who I was before I left. Two, who I became while I was away and lastly, who I am now. The last version is still in formation. Coming back to the place I grew up as a changed person creates so many mixed emotions. Everything has remained the same, but I am different. Figuring out how to work these different aspects of myself into the life I once knew well and the people who are part of it is more complex than I was prepared for. Trying to explain what that feels like has been very difficult for me. Recently my best friend hosted a girls get together, it had been a year and a half since I had seen our friends. On the drive home I found myself reflecting, reminiscing and a little out of sorts. Finally this poem came to me and as I wrote the last line I felt exhilarated, relieved, weightless and liberated.
Things are not right here
I am broken into different pieces of myself
Blown apart
Each piece landing out of reach of the other
I am a sister, I am a daughter
I am an island
I am a friend, I am a wife
I am a mountain
I am spread thin like ice melting on a pond in spring
I am as tight as the corkscrews of my hair
I am confined by these walls
Not able to break free from the tracks I am setting
I want to go back
I want to be out there with no assumptions
No ties
I want to be out there
I want to go back
Back but not backwards
Who am I here
I am too many different pieces
I am an enemy, I am a confidante
I am floating in space
I am sinking in the ocean
I am a wave
These words do not reflect me
These thoughts are not my own
I have no say, I am mute
I do not relate to this world
This world of need and want
I cannot shake my head in agreement
But I do
I laugh and contribute
Adding to nothing
I am too much when I am here
And not enough of anything
I am depressed and troubled
I am a storm
I am strong and independent
I am a mudslide
I close my eyes and I am floating
Out into the open air
The clouds carry me
I am floating
Out from these power lines of restraint
These chains of ordinary
I am not this confusion
Blurred barrier of skin
It is too thin for this
How many people can I be
I am unrelenting rain
Filling up with unfortunate circumstance
I am a body of impersonation
How can I be so unsure
Surrounded by what is most familiar to me
It is too close
Too close to the origin of what tragedies made me
The aftermath still echoing in the air
Bouncing off the buildings and billboards
Flying like a ping pong ball
Threatening to strike if I stand up too tall
I should duck
Out of the way like a little girl crouching from her father
I should run
Faster than the fear of a belt to my fragile legs
I should scream
Louder then the sound of heartbreak at 17
I should dig
Deeper than the scar of a razor to a wrist
I should hit
Harder than the ground of burying depression
I should stand
Taller than the height of expectation
I should fight
More forcefully than the hands of violation
I should hold on
Tighter than the embrace of scared siblings
I should resist
Like the urge to disappear in the face of torment
I should worry
But worry is what got me here
I should be so worthy
To remember and not relive
But all too often they feel like the very same thing