drive

keep treading water like this
you're bound to tire out
keep trusting someone will save you
you’re bound to drown
i only give one good chance
and then I miss someone
won’t hold grudges but I don’t forgive easily
i could forget if my gut would stop reminding me

are you ever genuine?

i might stop looking behind closed doors for
your intentions 
if you’d stop shutting them
i’ll stop hiding under blankets
if you stop scaring me with shadow games
i’ll stop running up the stairs 
if you stop chasing me

can we be honest?
do we know the meaning?

if your insecurities would stop screaming 
you might hear what I’m saying
you always beat around the bush
saying a whole lot of nothing but your talking 
doesn’t stop
your mouth is moving but I can’t make out a 
damn thing you say
and I wish for a second
you could stop and I could stop
and we could look at one another
step over the pile of shit we’ve been 
tossing all our faults in
and hold on to each other
until we can stop holding onto 
who is right and who is wrong

if this is all we have
let's leave it here
let it live in this space
let it spin around in its own dust storm

you brushed it off 
like a change in personality should 
have been expected
like maybe you knew it was coming
i sure didn’t
the carousel we rode, a teasing rotation
made it too easy to jump on and off
you know I love you though
i know you love me too
we almost love too much to be angry
love too much to turn our backs
i thought maybe that was the case
but I think you just told me your 
version of goodbye

could we just say what we mean?
do we know how?


i still can’t imagine life without you
even when you make it too intense
and your wordiness too complicated
i’d like to simplify with you 
i don’t know where to begin

i drove around today looking for you
with no intention of finding you anywhere
and no idea what to do with you if I did
i might try to embrace it all away

do you think we could hold on 
long enough to forget?

straight through awkward touches
dig ourselves out of the hole of ill intentions
passed the first kiss
the unraveling confessions 
the premature devotion
our future gave us more comfort then 
the present moment
we had catching up to do


i drove around today 
i like the feeling of leaving and heading 
somewhere better
thoughts come out when the coast is clear
when I was kid, long car rides meant 
we were going somewhere
leaving the house of terrors behind
at least for a little while


                my aunt always said 
         driving was the greatest privilege
                     she said 
      you can get in your car and go anywhere


i always imagined I would be grateful for it too
reminded myself to remember where it can take me
what it can save me from
watching closely
memorizing what foot pressed what pedals
what direction to turn the keys
R meant reverse
D meant drive
i wanted to make sure I knew what to do 
when I had the privilege 
funny, 
I 
didn’t 
trust
anyone 
would 
teach 
me 


my body doesn’t know how to 
do things without caution
spent most of my life in two gears 
safe on land or drowning
i learned early on how to 
handle dangerous situations
head down, quiet, stay unheard, unseen
but l i s t e n
listen scrupulously 


are you staying?
are you with me?

or have you drifted off somewhere I can’t see
has the current taken you
the winds too strong for you to paddle through
the moon not bright enough
the sky not clear enough
i’m afraid of the hole that might
be left in your absence
like a flower ripped out of the ground
roots dangling and ragged

your body will take you in the 
direction you set your eyes

are looking at me?
are you looking?