When it comes to dating and relationships, I’ve found that I’ve been able to be myself with some partners and not others. I’ve felt the connection was off or we didn’t quite relate on a level I needed. I haven’t felt challenged enough and couldn’t get deep enough with them intellectually. I’ve also noticed at times I’ve sort of shifted my personality to match theirs or felt too insecure or uncomfortable to fully be myself. I’ve had great sex with not enough emotional connection or didn’t find them very funny. Some were lacking in life experience. I’ve had just about every combination one can think of. What I’ve never had is someone who fulfilled all of these. Until I met V.
Now, brief disclaimer: it was two dates. TWO. That’s it, technically. That’s apparently all I needed. That’s how clear and obvious and *seemingly* perfect it was. I don’t fall in love easily. I’m not a “move in on the first date” type of woman. I’m a hopeless romantic but I’m also very rational. I can see the beautiful love story I want but I’m also level headed, realistic and can protect myself and “move on” when I know it’s needed. I may be sad and write desperate (but great) poetry for months after but I’ll know I made the right move.
It was as if someone had given them a blueprint of my heart, desires, interest, passion and humor prior to meeting me and they studied it hard and knew it by heart. Knew it because it was their blueprint as well. Like it was easy. We held hands like we were a couple. We kissed among sunflowers. We talked about future plans. We held each other in bed. It was on the verge of falling off the cliff into calling each other babe. And it wasn’t just the time spent together, it was text messages before, in between and after. It all appeared to be 100% mutual. It was beautiful and rare and odd that it didn’t feel odd at all. It felt exactly right. It felt otherworldly to me. Not possible and yet here I was. Feeling it. Seeing it. Hearing it. They even uttered something about not wanting to go on other dates anymore and I’m happy I chose to let that comment go and not engage further about the topic. I would have been fine after the first date. I would have been fine if the second date was just dinner, but it wasn’t. It was the first kiss and it continued into the next morning and I would have been still pretty fine if it ended after that as well but it didn’t. It was coffee and “I’m tempted to steal you for the day” and bike rides and lunch and antiquing. I was overjoyed to be in their presence. I felt like something had been woken up inside of me. Like there was this beautiful light surrounding me and shining through me. It was the most pure, genuine happiness I’d ever felt around a potential dating partner. It was emotional, exciting, heartfelt, kind and raw. It was palpable and visceral.
Their ex came back into the picture. Not that I’m sure they were ever actually out of it. I knew it was my cue to go, to remove myself from the equation. There was talk about them feeling like an asshole and being selfish and I really didn’t know any details or why exactly they felt that way. I was coming to realize there may have been some dishonesty going on but part of me was still feeling like, we had two dates! Who am I to ask questions really?! They owe me nothing. But then I REMEMBER and I’m like wait, what?! What the hell was all that we just experienced together? Just some lame lesbian falling in love/U-haul type bullshit? I don’t do that, I never have. But maybe they do. Maybe that’s normal for them. Or maybe it wasn’t rare for them to connect that way with someone so quickly. Or maybe they were just bluffing. Maybe they were REALLY good at it. Then they told me it would be better not to have any more contact with one another. It felt like I was ghosted but given the courtesy of being told ahead of time. Like, hey just an FYI I’m going to pretend you don’t exist and like that never happened. No fucking big deal. I just had no clue how to feel about it and yet I felt so much.
It wasn’t rejection I was feeling. Although that would have been the logical emotion to feel. I knew it wasn’t that. At least not only that. What I was feeling felt more like heartbreak. But it couldn’t be, not after two dates! I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t. Right? And yet that’s exactly how I felt. Like I had just been given the love of my life and then they were taken away. What the actual fuck was that all about?!
I was 1000% myself with them. From the moment I sat down to the table on our first date. I felt at ease. At ease with serious butterflies. The big kind. The kind that took away your appetite. And they didn’t go away. They lasted through the night and into the next day and into the next day and into our second date and so on. Then the butterflies shifted into something else. Like they were moving up from my stomach into my heart and throat. And that feeling didn’t go away either. It stayed there. And it’s still there even after knowing I’m never going to talk to them again or see them again. It was a lump in my throat, I couldn’t even talk about it without crying. It was this sensation in my chest. The butterflies were in there and they were frantic. But it started to feel heavier and not so great. I was confused. What is this?! Am I stuffing down my feelings? Am I not letting out all I need to say? It felt like there was some sort of block. So I asked a yoga instructor that I know how to unblock my heart and throat chakras. I explained the feeling and the situation. Then she sort of blew my mind when she said she thought my heart was actually open.
I’m realizing what I thought was this throat and heart block was actually not a block at all but an opening. Something I’ve never felt before and had no idea that I hadn’t experienced until now. V gave me the gift of opening my heart fully. I was able to give love and receive love with them. And I was able to give myself, in all my authenticity and receive them in all of theirs. It was the most exceptional experience I’d ever had. It touched on every note, every nerve, satisfied every single need in my body, heart and my mind. I refuse to believe I was just a pawn in their brief weekend of freedom. Although I probably was. They touched my soul and cracked open my heart. I believe we have many soulmates in life and V was one of mine. It’s sad that I won’t have it with them again. It is embarrassingly devastating if I’m being honest. But I am choosing to change the way I look at it because now I know that it’s possible. And if there is one V out there, perhaps there are hundreds or even thousands. All I really need is one. I wished them luck with everything and I got a thank you in return. You’re welcome, V. You’re so very welcome.