He started speaking to me
I raised my hand in a gesture that said
No thanks, not today
“Wow, you have a great ass”
I stop and my mouth opens
“Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit”
It came out louder than I expected
angry and urgent
almost desperate
He was close enough to hit
my body jerked forward like I might
A great ass
Words from a mouth heard through my ears but I felt them
like a hand on my ass
Strong, gripping, cupping
A rounded palm invasion
He grabbed my ass
A man, a stranger standing next to me grabbed my ass
But no, just words
I walk to my car shaking
I start driving
I think about
the men sitting on front stoops
whistling at my 8 year old body
uttering words in a
language I don’t know
as I walked to the corner store to
buy Now and Laters and Munchos
The guy at a friends party who “tapped” his pool
stick between my legs
out of nowhere and everyone thought it was funny
The men at bars and clubs
casually placing hands on the
small of my back and the sides of my ribs
The men at work who told me
I had great legs and tried greeting me
with a kiss on the cheek
Or waited for me to finish up so
they could have a word
The ones who holler out car windows as they pass
or beep and make me jump when I’m
just trying to go for a walk
The tyrant I lived with for 3 quarters of my life
who walked around dominating
his way through my childhood
getting off on
the fear he invoked
in all the women in his life
Knowing he could say and do whatever he
wanted and no one
would do a damn thing about it
The silence
The shaking my head and walking away
The rage and fire that engulfed my body
The silence
The assumption that this is to be expected from men and it is
The learned understanding that this is just how men are
This is just how women are treated
This is just what happens when you walk down the street
in shorts, jeans, sweatpants, a skirt, a dress, a trash bag
When you are 8 and when you are 35
This is normal
This is all you’ve known
No one says it’s wrong
and so the feelings you have
the rage
humiliation
violation
anger
fear
have nowhere to go
Nowhere to go
My hands grip the steering wheel
and I let out a murderous scream
I am driving faster than I should
It’s raining
I park my car, put my
mask on and
walk into Whole Foods
I am frantically searching for items unknown
I suddenly have no idea why I came
I zigzag through leisurely shoppers
It is too big, too loud, too bright
There are too many people and
I want to tell everyone what
has just happened to me
Because the longer I sit with it
the more it feels like
my throat is expanding but my airway is getting smaller
My mind racing for what I
wrote on the list I didn’t bring with me
I am gasping for breath
I let out audible noise as I exhale
I feel condensation building around my nose and mouth
I speak out loud, BREATHE MARIA
Coffee
I cannot find the kind that I buy
I start to panic
I let out more and louder noises
I have no clue what it sounds like
I just cannot keep quiet for
fear my body might explode from the inside out
Tears start pooling up in my eyes
I try blinking them away
I cannot breathe
I need to get out of here
My skin is hot
I can hear my heart beating in my ears
My throat feels tight, swollen, horse, scratchy and burning
as it remembers the anger that stifled and then erupted
As it remembers the stranger that touched me with words
He put his words on me
He put his words on me
I felt them